The Elephant and the Fly - a Final Note

by KLIM 

Here I am, writing in the blog again, a little rusty, a little too distant from my Art of Living days. Somehow forced by the AoL/Ravi Shankar to do what they wanted to have me punished for: writing.

As many of you know, several months after I said good-bye to "Leaving the Art of Living - Confessions of a Guruholic" and its activities, Skywalker and I received a subpoena. AoL wanted to have our identities disclosed to sue us for defamation, trade libel, copyright infringement, publishing “trade secrets”.

Thanks to the brilliant work and tireless dedication of our attorney, Joshua Koltun, we won against defamation, trade libel, copyright infringement and created a precedent in US law by refusing to require the disclosure of our identities. In fact, the Court ruled that the case against Skywalker could even proceed to trial without Skywalker having to disclose his identity. And the case against me was dismissed completely.

If we had gone to trial (which we were willing to), they faced the risk of losing and making their manuals and Sudarshan Kriya notes public. So they agreed to settle the case, and we agreed because the proposed settlement did not require any compromise on our part. We are not required to pay anything, or to compromise our rights of free speech.

Clearly, the risk that the manuals and Sudarshan Kriya notes might be deemed to be without any legal protection meant the risk of losing clients and income (no doubt, their main motivation behind the law suit) as they would then lose control over everything they claim work only under the grace of the guru, and by allowing people see the extent of magical thinking and irresponsibility behind their teachings.

I have no doubt Ravishankar will most likely present this as a, “I forgave them. Karma will take care.” Well, I am glad a good lawyer and a lucid justice system took care instead!

I consider this a victory not only in Court, but also, a tribute to freedom of speech, and, above all, vindication for victims of cult abuse!

They did not manage to censor us and have our blogs removed from the internet. I have to do what I  already had done two years ago: freeze the blog (contrary to their psychic interpretations, I was no longer active in the blog world, or interested in discussing AoL), and Skywalker has agreed to do what he was planning to do anyway: freeze his! (see what he has to say). Moreover, they did not manage to have us censored either for the rest of our lives nor anyone else out there. In fact, check out Obi-Wan's blog, “Life Beyond the Art of Living” (you can post your comments on this note there). And they will kindly pay our attorney’s fees (and theirs!). All right, and we publish a joint declaration!

Only hard core true-believers will keep believing his/their nonsense arguments. No one otherwise will be able to deny the rulings of the US court: “dismissed with prejudice”. (Wikipedia: “If the case ends with prejudice, the effect on the defendant (for the purpose of punishment) is the equivalent to a finding of not guilty and they cannot be retried.”).

Once, at a Guru Purnima, Ravi criticized Maharishi Mahesh Yogi, his guru, for using fear to control his people. According to him, that was Maharishi’s way to prevent people from joining him in the Art of Living (similar, perhaps, to what he tried to do with the blogs, together with countless lies and vicious random attacks based on futile suspicions?).

“You can lead through love or fear. Love is more powerful”, he said, implying he was doing that. Well, maybe that is why he did not get what he wanted in court. He tried everything except love! Fear, falsely defaming anyone he could, threatening, harassing, and again, fear and more fear. Imagine that at the very very end, in a desperate attempt, they even tried to file a lawsuit against another former teacher too! And again, dismissed with prejudice! Skywalker, Klim, AND the ex teacher!

What they could not understand was this was a matter of principles and that no one in the world fears him/them. In the world, at first glance, AoL comes out as a religious cult and, Sri Sri Ravishankar, regardless of all the prizes and titles they try to collect to build his senseless sense of grandiosity, a charlatan. In fact, we were willing to sacrifice for freedom of speech, for exposing cult abuse and for making people question if Art of Living is one.

Though having a legal battle was cumbersome, I do not regret at all having started the blog. It all only further convinced me I had done the right thing. Someone had to take the first step. And thanks to Skywalker (and many other Does), the “tradition” continues! However, I am excited to finally be Art of Living free. I had started the blog for that reason. I am finally there! I wish the same to everyone who left and to those who are still stuck in it. And to those who cannot decide or fear not “making” it without it/him, do not doubt a bit! There is life out here and a much better one too!!! READ! Read as much as you can! (there are other sites that present the other side of AoL/RS!). QUESTION! Question as much as you can! You are free to do so and it won't hurt anyone's prana! TRUST! Trust your intuition! Trust your gut feeling! Trust yourself! DARE! Dare to be happy! Dare to be free! RUN! "Run Forrest! Run!" :)

Healing is not easy. It takes time. I still am, for example, struggling to overcome health problems induced by the practice of SK and the psychological abuse. However, despite the threats, the difficulties and the pain I endured these years, I only have but immense gratitude for having had the courage to leave, stay away, and face my mistakes and weaknesses. Gratitude to my family, the many friends and professionals who accompanied me throughout the process.

People have continued reading this blog and sending comments. I take this opportunity to apologize to all those whose comments did not get posted. I checked out for real June 4, 2010. I took this chance to re read many posts and comments. My heartfelt thank you to so many beautiful, inspiring, sincere comments, readers and fellow colleagues! You helped me too in my healing process! If inspired, who knows, one day, I will write again, and I hope you will be there too.

There will always be scars but the wounds are healed. I will always ask myself how and why I joined a cult, and remind myself of my vulnerabilities and mistakes. This will prevent me from falling prey again of such situations and characters, and remember to remain humble. I have, since then, lost ingenuity, the narcissistic need of “saving" someone and/or the world, the low self-esteem of handing my power to someone else. Most importantly, I can sniff scams from far away!

One day, “art of living” will only be a whisper I won’t even hear. I have concluded, there is only one guru: oneself. Only one path: one’s life. Only one cause: one’s own.

... I can almost hear him say in his quirky voice, “and the elephant did not even know there was a fly on his leg!” Ah, Ravi Ravi, stop being a fly!!!!

Thank you ALL for your support. Infinite thanks to our lawyer, Joshua Koltun, the true "seva warrior"! I wish you all the best in a cult free life!

This was truly, at last, a real "victory to the big mind"! Consider it yours too!

“Good morning! And in case I don't see ya’, 
good afternoon, good evening, and good night!”  

(The Truman Show) 

You can find further information regarding this litigation in www.koltunattorney.com 
You can view the Joint Declaration here

Advanced economics for the Shankarly inclined

BY ND, MAHARASHTRA STATE,INDIA

Two years after my first basic course, I went to Bangalore for a Special Advanced course with Guruji. Our basic course teachers described the Bangalore Ashram as heaven, a special divine place on earth, and urged us to visit it as soon as possible. (In India special courses are held between April and July in different states. Since the states of Maharashtra and Gujarat have more followers, they have their own courses).

The fee for a 5 day course varies according to lodging – the fee/"donation" for a room for 5 people is currently Rs. 5,000.00, the cheapest being an open hall for Rs. 4,000.00. The price for a 2 person room or single room goes above Rs. 10,000.00.

Let’s consider their costs: the rooms are very simple, 5 people are squeezed in a room meant for 2, the cleaning is done by volunteers (seva), the only major cost is food. Considering the kind of food provided, the cost per person for the entire event, including other overheads, is not more than Rs. 500.00.

There were more than 2,000 people in my Advance Course. Assuming minimum payments of Rs. 5,000.00 per person, then the net revenue of the course was Rs. 4,500 x 2,000 = Rs. 9,000,000.00.

It gets more interesting. On the second day of the course, the teacher announced Sahaj Samadhi meditation would be conducted during the course: 4 days, 1 hour/day. It was spoken of it in such manner it made everyone feel they should not be missed. The teacher insisted Sudarshan Kriya + Sahaj was the best combination in the world. Hence, almost half of the course participants enrolled!

The course fee was Rs. 2,000.00. I did not feel anything different after Sahaj. In fact, I felt it could have easily been included in the advanced course, though it was Bhanudidi who taught it. (I later found out Sahaj was an imitation of Mahesh Yogi’s TM technique).

The total revenue for SSM course was Rs. 2,000 x 1,000 = Rs. 2,000,000.00 without any additional cost.

My wife even noticed the saree Bhanudidi wore and told me the price. I scolded her and asked her if she was there for knowledge or for looking at sarees and jewelries!

On the third day morning, a Nadi Vaidya (Ayurvedic doctor) came and told us how beneficial it was for us to check our health. Many people went, of course. There were 4-5 doctors. He/She held our pulse for 2 minutes and prescribed medicines to be found only at the Ayurvedic Medical stores located in the Ashram. Together with the medication, Sudarshan Kriya was also prescribed in writing.

Total cost per person: minimum Rs. 700-800. Note these medicines are not available in other stores, thus if you wanted to continue the treatment you had no choice but to get them from AoL. (Personally I find the quality of their medicines inferior).

Then there is the Divine Shop where AoL books, photos, CDs are sold. Generally, in any organization, materials published by the organization are very cheap. But in AoL, everything is very costly. Their much hyped knowledge set of Ashtravakra, Yoga Vasishta are out of reach for the common person. If you ask them why, their response is, “money is used for Seva Projects.” My question is, if knowledge is so important, shouldn’t it be offered at lowest cost? Isn’t that also seva? They don’t seem to think so.

It gets even better. On the last day of the course, after the evening Satsang, when everyone was allowed to speak again, a different Advance Course Teacher, a swami close to Ravishankar with a powerful personality, showed up on stage and asked the participants to form groups of 20-25 persons per city/area. We had to choose a leader who was asked to distribute some materials provided by them. The teacher with great brain-washing skills, spoke 80-100 minutes (a perfect brain washing experience). He explained that material was about Dharma Stambha Yojana (Religion Pillar Scheme), nothing new, for their school, village, women projects, etc. The world will transform within 3-4 years and only two type of people will be there: the ones who contributed for this cause and the others (translation: the good and the bad people). “It is your choice to which side you want to belong. Put your head and brain on hold and listen to your mind and fill the amount. Don’t postpone, do it now.” He then told us 3-4 stories about how people got monetary rewards from the Divine after giving donations. Some got new job contract, some won the lottery, etc. In other words, if you gave now, you would get 10 times more later. Most people completed the forms and committed to sending donations every month for a year. The group leader was made the monitor of the area and if anyone failed to make a payment, he would be made responsible.

My conclusion: Out of 2,000 people, more than 1,500 completed the form. If at least 33% actually paid Rs.10,000.00 per person (average) then receipts were of Rs 5,000,000.00. After completion of the year, you got renewal notice and donation form for following year.

After visiting the Ashram, I felt something was wrong. After listening to Osho’s discourses I knew what was wrong. In India, there is an old saying: charity should be done in such manner that left hand should not know what is given by right hand. So, give and forget. If you give and count, and expect rewards of monetary or non-monetary type, it is not charity, it is investment, it is greed.

I finally understood what the swami did. He was not asking for pure charity, he was sowing seeds of greed in the minds of devotees: if you give Rs.100.00, you shall get Rs.1,000.00 from the Guru. This is not taught in Indian wisdom and culture.

If I calculate the earnings of the AoL from that one Special Ashram Advance Course, the total revenue was of more than Rs. 2.5 crore. (roughly USD 0.55 million). Almost 12-16 Ashram Advance Courses are organized each year besides the "n" number of other courses.

If it were a tax paying business, no one would care where the money goes, but if you have formed a Trust and claim your income as tax free, and take donations for various seva projects, shouldn’t you disclose how much is actually being spent on which project, and how much goes to administrative expenses, salaries and personal expenses? If I have given donations for child education, I am very much concerned that it is spent only for that purpose. I would want to know if it is used for purchasing land or covering administrative expenses. Because it came from my hard earned money! But in AoL, there is no way to know.

Finally, everyone expected people in and around the Ashram to be divine. But the shopkeepers, travel agents, watchmen, fruit sellers, etc. were all normal people full of anger, lies, cheating in business, etc. Our expectations were wrong, but how were they created in the first place? If this “living God” cannot purify those in his Ashram, how can he purify the minds of the whole world?

I trusted the AoL very much and whatever I have done was with full devotion. After the DSN course I felt something was wrong but I could not put my finger on it. After returning from the Bangalore ashram, this feeling intensified. Osho’s discourse helped me realize what was wrong (I am not a Osho devotee but I find his discourse and books really good. I have found several examples of Ravishankar in Osho’s books).

I did not doubt Ravi Shankar even after that. Instead, I wrote a mail to him, describing the various things mentioned above. I was certain I would get a reply from him. But nothing came.

If everything is happening under his instruction, if he gets credit for the selfless work of the few volunteers, then he should get the blame of the wrong doings of his volunteers, misbehavior of teachers, etc.

People’s behaviors do not change only by doing Sudarshan Kriya. Many volunteers claim they have not missed Kriya one single day in the last 4-5 years - they smile. But I have seen their real nature when things don’t go their way. If a person is full of anger, jealousy and hatred after doing kriya daily for 5 years then it proves Kriya does not work.

I left the organization after two years and also required lots of healing to overcome the disappointment.

20-40-40

There are many stories about Sudarshan Kriya and courses gone bad, except we all kept them secretive in order to sell more and because the problem was never with the Master or the technique, as per his talks on the 3 types of doubts. However, I know of many people who ended up in psychiatric hospitals with no possibility of recovery – serious psychotic disorders, after a TTC or DSN. I know of people who had heart attacks, hormonal dysfunction, etc. after practicing Sudarshan Kriya. I heard many similar stories from other people. Of course, we were dissonant enough to find reasons to justify each situation, e.g. he/she was not doing it right, past life, not enough grace, not enough surrender. As usual, AoL/SSRS are perfect, the problem is always somewhere else.

I was most disappointed when I found out not even the home kriya was created by “Sri Sri Ravishankar.” Apparently, a senior teacher of his insisted people needed a formula otherwise noone would continue the practices. Thus, this teacher, a former TM teacher who is also no longer in the movement, came up with the 3 rounds of 20-40-40 and wrote the teacher's manual and possibly the kriya notes too! Actually, Ravishankar does not even know what he is doing when chanting So Ham So Ham So Ham. People are obviously going to feel something if you take them to exaggerated rhythms of the breath, from very fast to suddenly slow, etc. It is not about the grace of the guru, it is physics and hyperventilation. Even the pranayama and bhastrika did not come from his own knowledge. He learned them from a teacher who is also no longer with him, who in turn learned it from a Kundalini yoga master. I was most upset when I heard this and understood why he always spoke so badly about Kundalini yoga. I once witnessed him slapping a boy after he told him he was not getting what he wanted in the path with him and that he wanted to go to a Kundalini Yoga organization. After slapping him he warned him people get brain-washed and murdered in Kundalini yoga!

The “poorna yoga” taught for many years was also not his. A teacher of his, who is no longer with him, introduced it. Sri Sri Yoga is also not his. It was brought by a teacher who left the organization many years and later returned. I understand it is a perfect imitation of another yoga school and not a big deal of a yoga after all. DSN is an imitation of Landmark, of which Nitin (rishi) attended before AoL, which is today wildly known as a cultic movement and that many people suffered serious psychological damages. YES+ was put together by the dynamic psychotic Bawa and Dinesh duo (when are they coming out of the closet?).

Knowing all of the above (and the names of the people involved), if they were all true, I am confused as to whom I should have bowed down to or be grateful to all these years. The ones who are truly behind the techniques, or the one who claims to have created them all?!

Many magical thinking stories were told about the kriya tape too. We were taught to believe one needed the grace of the guru in order for it to work, and when one was disgraced, it would not work. There were stories such as someone not being able to use the tape all of a sudden because Ravi did not bless him/her to use it. Tapes were given out almost ceremoniously. Sadly, once someone got the tape, they also got a big dosage of arrogance and stupidity. More than a blessing, that tape was a curse. People fought because of it. For heaven’s sake! It is just a tape of a lousy recording and it is now available ON-LINE! (he claims it does not work without his blessings, when in fact, it is what he wants everyone to believe in order to have power over everyone - as long as people believe these stories and in his "powers", he can keep manipulating, lying and stealing, and the Sudarshan Kriya remains a magical "savior" technique. People, it is basic irresponsible hyperventilation with negative effects in the long term!).

Once, upon his request, I needed to reproduce some tapes. Until then I thought there was some sacred ceremony in the process of reproducing tapes, but instead, he said, “Anytime. Just do it.” I insisted, “Any time? Hour? Should I not do anything special?” “No, any time. OK, Monday, Shiva day sounds good.”

He invents rules and processes as the needs arise, though I know his official reproducers do have specific instructions and they feel "very special people". Of course, he needs to keep the lies going and ensure people believe in the sanctity of the tape. Without it, he looses power.

Where is the grace or the magical touch of the Guru if the Sudarshan Kriya found on-line can be downloaded and effectively used entirely without any problem? I still have my tapes and, once in a while, I check them just for fun, to see if the “grace” is still there. Dear friends, they still work 100% and they have not evaporated. Does that mean the guru is still blessing me? I am so lucky!

There was a time people carried their diplomas proudly after finishing law school, med school, engineering school, etc. Imagine people stupidly proudly carrying A TAPE wrapped in a piece of silk as a symbol of evolution! A tape that chants So Ham for 30 minutes, is blank for 15, chants for 5 and then, poorly plugged in, "turn to the right side". Something is so very wrong … and it is not the tape.

Once upon a cult

Recovering from spiritual abuse is an endless, intimate, lonely process few people comprehend. Sexual abuse and domestic violence are today recognized in most societies (unfortunately not all) as crimes, and victims of it qualify for proper justice and counseling. Society sympathizes with them and offers help in countless ways, although probably not enough yet. On the other hand, being a victim of spiritual or cult abuse is still not as acceptable and an unspoken subject accompanied by shame and misunderstandings. Out loud coming out as a victim of cult/spiritual abuse may place one in a vulnerable situation, even ridiculed or exposed to more bullying. One is blamed for having joined or questioned on the veracity of ones experiences. Of course, they are the big organization with the big names, the holy persona and thousands of followers. I am just a nobody who was “rejected or dejected” (as someone put earlier). Why believe me? I must be bluffing, resentful, seeking revenge. Otherwise, “something is obviously wrong with you, to begin with, for having joined a cult”, and “you are ‘stupid’ for not having left earlier”, “you are responsible.”

Maybe people can’t relate with spiritual abuse because it is more abstract, subtle and mainly because there is a general concept about spiritual masters: they are holy benevolent beings, and because there is a tendency to believe one is always in control of everything (“should be”). People don’t understand the extent and the depth of the manipulations and damages of spiritual abuse, specially under the leadership of one who claims “the way”, the lonely pain one carries silently for a long time and how difficult it is to cope with it everyday, how being a victim of a cult leader is not different from being a victim of Stockholm syndrome, rape or domestic violence. People sympathize with Jaycee Dugard but they question me. I was spiritually raped and abducted but I could/should have walked out. I could/should have as much a Jaycee Dugard could/should have.

Recovery did not start the minute I left the organization. Recovery started the day I was able to face the truth and admit to myself I had belonged to a cult, that I had participated in a big lie and brought many to it, that I had been abused and also been abusive, that SSRS was a cult leader and not a spiritual one. Unfortunately that happened long after I officially left. I fed my dissonance for a long time after instead. It is what I had perceived as truth for so many years and the contrary was too hurtful and challenging to unknot. I was betrayed by friends, students, my guru, but mainly, I betrayed myself for not listening to myself, not seeing the truth earlier and for allowing the abuses. Maybe I will understand many years later why it all happened, maybe one day I may even be grateful for it too. Maybe, maybe not.

I find the biggest challenge former members face is recognizing SSRS is not what we thought he was or that his love for us is not unconditional, as he claimed, that the Sudarshan Kriya is a hoax, that we were used to feed someone’s narcissistic ambitions. I’ve heard people who have been abused defend him in the most dissonant manners. They blame the board, some senior teacher, they even claim he did it out of love, etc. They somehow see SSRS as a victim himself when underneath it all, they are most likely protecting themselves. Let me just ask, “What kind of parent would abuse you in the name of love?” (In the world we identify them as pedophiles and sick). Who do you think is behind the board, the senior teachers, the situations? You really think things happen without his consent and knowledge?” SSRS is about the greatest control freak I know! I remember the time I told him I found an article bad for his name because it stated everything in the Art of Living revolved and depended on him. He mockingly asserted, “Of course that is how it should be! I am behind it all! Without me nothing exists! You still don’t know?!” (A little too narcissistic perhaps?) This is the naivite that goes on. I also defended him so many years when the truth was evident to those watching outside.

I realized about myself that the extent I needed to lie to myself about SSRS was the extent of my own immaturity. Psychologically, children move to the next level of maturity when they realize Santa does not exist. I believe the same happens with ex-devotees when we consider the possibility the guru is a fraud. Eventually, admitting he is, is the ultimate painful act, thus some choose to keep the Stockholm syndrome. As the saying goes, “ignorance is bliss.”

I stopped consuming sudarshan kriya, meditation, chanting, anything that reminds me of the routines I followed for so many years, that killed more than 100 of my brain cells, and repressed my rights of freedom of thought and critical thinking. Uninstalling all the guru softwares, allowing the real me to flourish again, being truthful is my current sadhana. The meaning of “sadhana”, now finally makes sense: spiritual practice done for higher aims.

I was once member of a cult. I say it with shame, humility, respect and responsibility. But above all, with pride I finally am truthful to myself.

Walk like a king and be a perfect doormat

BY KLIM

I was young when I joined the organization. I was vulnerable, full of hopes, naïve, gullible, enthusiastic, influentiable, impressionable. I had that adolescent arrogance that made me believe we could change the world. My psyque was probably not even strongly developed yet. I believed in helping others, wished for a better world and loved knowledge. I was the perfect target.

My family was all along against me being part of the organization, and worse, giving my life to it. SSRS said to me once, “Have compassion for them, pray for them”, as if they were loosers who missed out the chance of being on the path. AoL adults would then remind me how lucky I was for serving a guru at such a young age (though curiously, they would not encourage their own children to follow my steps). Thus, I disregarded every warning my family gave me because they were "not in the knowledge". Instead, I listened to the guru and my fellow senior teachers/friends.

Even when I write this, I laugh at myself. I actually listened to “adults” who obviously have serious psychological problems and who, in different ways and reasons, stopped growing at some early point in life because of some dysfunctional story, or fled from “the world”, relying on spirituality as an ego booster. Time passing by is not an indication one grows. I have met 40 year olds going into 14 and 65 year olds going into 17. I once looked up to those people and thought that, as my seniors, in age and spiritual experience, they knew better. The fool leading the fool.

Few years after joining the organization, I lived enough unethical situations that affected me personally and made me want to leave. I struggled with the devotion and commitment I felt for him, and the respect and conviction I had for my values. Senior teachers would then corner me with the “should and should not” script.

Basically, it was all just a sign of low prana, lack of faith we all go through, to make us strong, get rid of our egos. “The path is only for the brave ones”, “the amount of doubt you have equals the amount of faith you have, so when you have doubts, realize how much faith you have”. If I was angry, I should not be angry, “anger is not good for you, observe the sensation, sit for hollow and empties, bow down, surrender to the Guru, chant.” If I thought SSRS did something wrong, “he is doing it for your growth, he is a satguru, he is showing you the way by creating that situation, he wants the best for you, he is taking you to the next step.” If I wanted to say anything about it, “you are being vindictive, observe your violence.”

One could never win nor validate oneself. The one abused was turned into the aggressor. Therefore, what was extended and deepened instead was the condition for abuse until one finally regarded it as normal, acceptable, spiritual. SSRS talked about surrender but he really wanted us to succumb.

I can almost hear my basic course teacher if she found out about this blog: “revenge is not good.” Revenge is so not part of my personality and not at all the goal of this blog. And if I was once angry, so what? It is part of the process of recovery and healing. I am real: bones and flesh real. She is also a victim of abuse and has made abuse into something spiritual. Realizing the contrary would be too much to handle. Actually, recognizing and admitting one belonged to a cult is a big load that comes with shame and appears to disqualify everything one did for so long.

If I had the chance to talk with her today, I’d tell her how much she helped me, and how much she deeply screwed me. Sadly, I see that everything she did was for herself. She actually hid in the spiritual path to feel superior, to hide her feelings of insecurity, failures and inadequacy. As long as she had someone to save, she was somebody. She had the best of all intentions but could not see she was blind. Someone who had removed herself from the world for so many decades and who has difficulties surviving without belonging to a "spiritual cult", was a senior teacher who trained and led young people. All her advises only prepared us for more abuse. She taught me that if I was slapped, I should be grateful. Though I see the beauty of that knowledge I am sure it does not mean, “Walk like a king and be a perfect doormat" (as in Ravishankar's "Walk like a king and be a perfect servant").

Loving oneself, learning to respect oneself, learning to stand up for oneself and be respected are crucial in growing up strong and healthy (You see, my basic course teacher and some swami would say that was my ego speaking).

I know my teacher meant well. Today I recon she is emotionally, psychologically and spiritually crippled. She influenced many young people like me. We all looked up to her. More than one felt guilty about something after being with her because she had so many concepts, shoulds and should nots.

Being in a spiritual path does not make one better than others nor does it mean one truly works on oneself. One thing I know about AoL is noone really works on him/herself. We thought we did. The spiritual arrogance one acquires is such that AoLers believe doing kriya and kissing the guru’s feet automatically puts one above everyone and everything else.

I am today allergic to any unsolicited advise, specially in a condescending way. Often people in spiritual paths have the bad habit of thinking they know better. They think they know what advise you need, what you are really feeling that you are not aware of, what you still have not done. The obnoxious “I know for your better good.” Needless to mention, often the advises go around the leitmotif “be forgiving, be compassionate, do not be angry, let go, move on, etc.” Whereas there is truth in it, one cannot deny the abuse and the array of feelings that come with it. Imagine what a rape victim would feel if you tell him/her right after the attack, “forgive, be compassionate, don’t be angry, it was your karma, you must have done something bad some other life time, let go.” Just imagine!

I do not need to do anything but feel what I feel and be myself. That is the only thing I must do. Being angry is just as part of life as anything else. It does not make me worse. It is what it is at that moment and time takes care of it. After all, aren’t opposite values complimentary? Suppressing negative emotions is the emptiest spiritual mood making I know that turns people into arrogant robots. Being in a spiritual path does not mean you don’t feel negative emotions anymore. A spiritual education should teach you negative emotions are part of life and how to handle them, not that you should not feel them, or that feeling them is not OK, or that by meditating you will never have them again.

I also once oscillated from being a victim of abuse to being an abusive arrogant robot in the name of spirituality. Sadly, in AoL we thought spirituality was enrolling people to the course, creating devotion in people for SSRS and faking a smile at all times – “fake it until you make it.” Meditating, breathing, having a guru, chanting mantras, doing yoga, being vegetarian, doing “seva” are not signs of spirituality. Spirituality is not about the activities you do but about how you act and where the action stems from. Spirituality is not about not feeling any negative emotions. Spirituality is not in the shoulds and should nots, it is about how real you are to yourself, in life and to the world.

I dropped the habit of telling anyone what and how they should feel and do, or thinking I know what the other feels and should do. More importantly, I also dropped the habit of telling myself what I should or should not. Where there is a “should”, I learned, I lose my authenticity and my freedom.

I no longer want to be a doormat.

Sudarshan Kriya: FREEING or FRYING the mind?

BY HUMBLE WITNESS

Blank. That is how I remember feeling after my first kriya--blank, unable to think, lightheaded, and numb/tingly all over. I admit, it was mildly pleasant. At that time, it did occur to me that breathing faster and deeper than my body required for an extended period of time might actually be harmful. But because of the teacher’s reassurance that these effects are normal, combined with the fact that others in the class shared the same experiences, I ignored my intuition and neglected to research the physiological effects of over-breathing. And coming from a scientific background, I am still miffed at myself for not having researched it back then, but according to the old adage, “its better late than never”…

After devoting years of my life to AoL, serving as a volunteer and teacher, and blindly propagating the myth that the kriya is beneficial and should be practiced daily, I now realize that I have made a tremendous error in judgment, and that sudarshan kriya (aka hyperventilation) is harmful. This is just one of the reasons why I chose to leave AoL and cease promoting its practices.

When students ask where the kriya came from, I tell them it was “cognized” by ssrs during a 10-day period of silence in the early 80’s. Looking back, it’s amazing to me how many people (including myself) blindly accepted the kriya as something holy and beneficial based on its source and the short-term pleasant feeling it evokes. But I am left wondering what are its long-term effects. When a drug is discovered, it goes through years of clinical trials before being prescribed. Even cosmetics need testing for harmful effects. Sure, the kriya is claimed to consist of “natural rhythms” of breathing and therefore cannot be harmful. I could argue that masturbation is also natural, but just because it feels good doesn’t mean that one should practice it every day. Practicing kriya for its short-term pleasant effect is no different than doing drugs.

Today, its common knowledge that hyperventilation (defined as simply breathing faster or deeper than necessary) can cause dizziness, lightheadedness, numbness in the limbs, and even fainting/loss of consciousness. The reason for these side effects is because by over-breathing, one is actually depriving oneself of oxygen-- hyperventilation excessively rids the body of carbon dioxide, low carbon dioxide causes blood vessels to constrict, and constricted vessels carry less blood and oxygen to the different parts of the body (including the brain.) This is a condition known as hypoxia, and cells starved of oxygen eventually die. So I cringe to think of how many brain cells I have fried after my many years of practicing kriya.

Advocates of the kriya might argue that it is “controlled hyperventilation” and therefore not harmful. They might even refer you to the “scientific research” on the kriya that supports its many benefits. Hyperventilation is hyperventilation (no matter how you spin it), and I have gone through a number of the articles on the kriya, most (if not all) of which were published by devotees of ssrs. Most of them (particularly the earlier ones) are lacking in the proper controls, and it is unclear whether subjects are doing the full sk with associated pranayams, or sk alone. I have yet to see a truly unbiased, well-controlled study with convincing data supporting the unsubstantiated claims that sk is the cure-all it is touted to be.

I also have my own experience to back up my conclusion that sk is downright harmful. During my involvement with the organization, I have witnessed many suffer from mental imbalance and detrimental effects after practicing kriya. I have known two people who had to stop doing kriya because it induced panic attacks in them. I have witnessed one pour soul lose mental stability and have to be committed due to manic episodes and delusions of grandeur. And I have seen three well-adjusted, well-educated individuals with a promising future and a passion for their career only to abruptly decide to throw away their education to do full-time “seva” for AoL. As for me, I can remember how I used to be before ever practicing kriya—much more sharp, and quick to respond and recall words and names. I feel my intellect has dulled since then. And after reading Klim’s posts, I realize I am not alone.

I can’t claim to know what is good for everyone else, but I can draw from my own faculties and experiences to decide what is right for me. I whole-heartedly encourage everyone else to do the same.

Fake it until you make it

In fact, even after leaving the organization many of us felt embarrassed to share certain experiences and insights. Somehow we knew something was wrong, yet the fear-based education we received was stronger. Even no longer a member of the organization, we feared being ridiculed, ostracized, punished, having made the mistake of leaving the blessings of a Guru.

One day, I asked someone who had recently left the movement if she was still doing her practices and if she had ever felt sick with them. After crossing the first barrier of “we don’t talking about these subjects”, specially former teachers, she confessed she had not felt good with her practices for many years. She described feeling her head oppressed and in a bad, irritable mood the rest of the day, among other things I no longer remember. She admitted, almost in shame, she had stopped doing her practices some time before leaving the organization and noticed a remarkable difference. Feeling guilty about it, she’d do it again, and again, she would not feel herself and well.

Curiosity led me to ask other “drop-outs”, who would take a long time before they’d feel comfortable to confess, and, to my surprise, most of them (not all, but most, easily 80% of them) had the same experience. Not only that, the common description was that since they stopped doing the practices they felt more themselves, more real, more here, enjoying better health, finding improvements in various ways.

I had the same experience. Every time I sat for my practices, I felt a strong pressure in my skull, and inevitably, as if someone else was sitting on top of me, in my head. My mind was no longer my mine, everything dispersed in one way or the other, to the point, I had no control, no use of my faculties. I felt numb during and after, and definitely, I no longer felt the relaxation, the lightness, the relief all first time students claimed to feel. I would, during the day, feel like a zombie, inert, dead, unable to remember anything, unable to think of details or focus on anything.

Somehow, we, teachers, had the strong obligation of selling the product, without questioning. If anything went wrong, it was never the technique, the course, the organization, or the Guru to be blamed. It was our fault. Being guilty of something made you an easy target of ridicule, isolation, shame. If one ever felt anything that was not joy, peace, enthusiasm, the most common question was, “Are you doing your practices?” If you had never stopped doing your practices and you still felt things that were not joy, peace, enthusiasm, you felt guilty about it and people treated you differently. Somehow, you were dirty, worthless, unworthy.

As teachers, we needed to “fake it until we made it.” That was part of Sri Sri’s teachings, just like faking joy until it became our nature. Excuse me, wasn’t joy, to begin with, our nature? Then, why the need to fake it?

Bottomline, we faked it so much we no longer knew really what we felt, and if at all we ever felt anything bad, we hid it, repressed it. It was a lot of blablablabla followed by a lot of empty beautifully decorated words, just to enroll more clients (I remember once in a TTC, the guru called and only asked the teacher one question, “Are they strong at enrolling already?” Even then I could not believe my ears. That was all he cared about. He did not care about how much they were understanding the knowledge, how deep they were going in their practices and processes, but just that they enrolled a lot! In the meantime, those poor TTC students had the illusion (probably still today), the Guru called, concerned about their well-being).

Most teachers are unhappy. Specially, full time teachers. If you want the pretty package, then meet them only while they teach. When teachers are on stage, “the grace flows through them”, thus they shine, they smile, they exude an unbelievable energy and joy. When teachers leave "the seat", they are bitchy, histrionic, hysterical, psychotic, tired, sick, unattractive ... ordinary humanoids with a lot of flaws and zits. We all became great actors, just for the sake of that moment in which one had power and the attention of so many desperate souls, for the sake of having the Guru's approval. We were immature people, unprepared to hold so much power and the responsibility of influencing people’s lives. That is what we were. That is what they are.

When I was still a teacher, I asked someone what made her decide to leave the organization. Her answer was, “I looked around and I noticed all teachers, specially the senior teachers, are so unhappy. I don’t want to be like them.”

End of the conversation.

Stupid or relaxed? Part 2

Struggling with my practices many years, I approached Ravishankar in different occasions about it. “Something is wrong with my sadhana, something is wrong with my mantra, there is something wrong … I don’t feel good with my practices. I don’t feel good afterwards. I don’t feel good during the day. My head is not good. My health is not good.” I don’t forget his look of disbelief and surprise. He clearly did not know what to tell me. Finally, he gave me his famous, “Keep doing it. It will change. It is an astrological moment.” To which I replied, “You call 5 consecutive years an astrological moment?”

For a devotee, catching the Guru in a clueless moment is perhaps one of the scariest situations ever.

A year after leaving the AoL, I stopped doing the kriya, the pranayamas, everything. It was a tough to stop it. I was used to it. I had been convinced I needed them to be successful and happy in life. To my surprise, I have not lost my radiance. In fact, people tell me I look so bright and a lot better! I was caught by surprise when someone told me one day, “Wow, you always look so happy, you are always so happy, what is your secret?” I did not know what to say! I was not doing any practice nor seva nor following a guru nor reading scriptures nor chanting mantras, and yet, people noticed my joy, my radiance, my good spirit. I used to reply to a comment like that, “Oh! I meditate!” or “Oh! You should do this wonderful course!” Suddenly, that day I realized, that joy, that light, that everything, is mine and only mine.

I am slowly recovering my ability to have critical thinking, of discriminating, of concentrating, of enjoying other things and not feel bad about it, of having interests of my own.

When I hear people attend Part 2 to feel relaxed, I don’t know what to say. On the one hand, I know it is true they feel relaxed, but on the other, I know they feel relaxed because of all the brain washing processes they go through. Sri Sri claims Hollow and Empty “polishes the mind”, washes away the deep impressions. What I have noticed over the years is people come out of it brain dead, agreeing with whatever previously they disagreed with, thinking they are happily relaxed. In fact, he always pushed us to get everyone to the Part 2 courses, as many as possible! “Your job (as a teacher) does not end until they do a Part 2, and then repeat it many times.” Of course, once you did the Part 2, you were programmed.

“Tip of the nose … base of the spine … the whole region from naval to throat is hollow and empty.” While people twitched and suffered, until completely hypnotized, as if under the effects of a trance, their heads became “hollow and empty”, in colloquial terms, “air heads.” You could see people’s annoyance the first days, until subdued, they walked around like zombies. After very cathartic processes of death and birth, people were put in complete silence, sitting through 3 to 4 hollow and empty, long hours of listening to that trance-like voice, reprogrammed, and then, “you may say your first word.” It was bizarre to watch people go wild after being granted the first word, actually, given back their freedom. But, their brains, our minds, already were not the same. We thought we were “cleaner”, I now know we were, literally, mentally hijacked.

It was almost funny to hear people who had hated every single moment of the course, the meditations, suddenly speak words of admiration for the whole program, in tears. It was always difficult to decide whether their joy was due to everything that we had done in the course, or that the torture was finally over. Then, still, under the seduction of the trance, we were made to watch a video in which he insists we needed to bring more people to the course, be smart, do whatever it needs to bring them - that is your seva, that is the way for you to maintain the joy you are feeling, remain in the path, surrender to the Guru. Or else, the other video in which nothing but throwing candies happen (it was apparently John’s birthday), and he only says, “Bring all your problems to me, drop them here.” Approximately 10 minutes of Radhe Govind, bad singing, stupid dancing, bad filming, corny set up, followed by people (in the tape and in the course, stimulated by the sobbing of the tape) breaking down in catharsis, in tears, and voila, damage done.

End of program (end of the programming).

I know someone who still dissociates today, as if they were still in a Part 2 but in real life - his mind tilts, freezes, checks out, even several years after having left the organization. In fact, he does not remember anything that ever happened in these courses. And believe me, he’s done tens and tens of Part 2 and 3!

Stupid or relaxed? Part 1

A few years into the AoL, myself a teacher then, I started noticing my mind was not as clear and sharp as it used to be. It was as if a part of my brain was dead and the rest, slowly deteriorating. I had always been a brilliant A student, with perfect memory, excellent health. I was slowly noticing I had trouble eating, swallowing food, sleeping, suffering of massive hair loss, loosing my memory, incapable of following a debate. I had lost critical thinking and the ability to discriminate or make decisions on my own without the need to ask Ravishankar first for blessings or approval. For the AoL, the intellect was my greatest enemy, thus, whatever I described as “losses” were seen as my “spiritual evolution.”

The techniques were never to be questioned, of course. If anything went wrong ever, it was our fault. Our doubts were only a sign of our “low prana.” He was so brilliant he even used knowledge in his favor: “there are three types of doubts: doubts in oneself, in the technique, in the master.” So that, if you ever doubted any of the three, you knew you were to be blamed for being negative. Solution: do more practices, do more seva, attend more advanced courses.

I finally gathered some courage and asked various senior teachers about the possibility of meditation having side effects. None of them, of course, had ever questioned this possibility. They made fun of my observations instead. Until one day I asked someone very close to Ravishankar. His right-hand man, teacher, long time TMer. He listened and said, “Never say I told you this, I will deny it if anyone ever questions me about it. Stop doing the Sudarshan Kriya immediately. Keep meditating if you want, but stop doing the breathing.” According to him, he had noticed the same in himself and other people. He claimed Kriya was not for everyone and the Guru did not understand these things.

Of course, I did not listen to him at that time. How could Sudarshan Kriya not be perfect? However, as my problems increased and I felt more “stupid”, I was surprised to hear one of his swamis give me the same instructions: “stop doing sudarshan kriya.”
In my years as a teacher, I noticed that, although every student felt more relaxed at the end of the course, not everyone felt good after a few months of practicing the techniques. Whenever we were approached with negative experiences regarding their practices, we were trained to tell them to keep on going, it was “unstressing.” If anyone in the course dared challenge us about the greatness of the technique, of course, we would kindly inform them it was their low prana that was not letting them see or experience the greatness of the technique. Whenever a student had some medical evidence that showed their health deteriorated after practicing the kriya, we were taught to understand they were doing something wrong, their problem was definitely not due to the technique but to their karma, the person was not worthy of the knowledge … “next life time.”

The first time I questioned the validity of the SK was when I took the “Science of breath”, the scientific research of the technique to a renown doctor, a researcher of one of the most respected research institutes of the world. After a few days, I met with him again, expecting to hear him impressed with our results, ready to incorporate us in their program immediately. To my surprise, he elegantly informed me the research papers were all incomplete and unprofessional. Conclusion: professionally, it said absolutely nothing and was not objective.

After seeing thousands of people go through the courses, I am still unable to decide whether the kriya relaxes people or idiotizes people. There is a very short distance between feeling relaxed and going stupid, as there is a very short distance between enlightenment and psychosis. Definitely, whether in a Part 1 or Part 2 course, the person slowly succumbs to whatever you say. Somehow, the mind shuts off, and even if you started with a questioning mind, you somehow zonk out, willing to agree with anything. We called that, “relaxation.”

I don’t doubt it has effects in the short term, but I am suspicious of its long term effects.

Today, this former A student suffers of dyslexia. I am unable to concentrate, remember anything, I turn numbers and letters around, I am unable to focus for long hours, I cannot read too much at once (as a kid I could read 7 books in a week!), I dissociate, I have sleeping disorders and other health complications.

Kriya did not relax me. It castrated me.

Deepak Chopra, according to AoL

I was in the room with him the day he told us Chopra had called him to negotiate the Sudarshan Kriya. According to Ravishankar, Chopra told him they should join forces and charge a lot more for the technique, promising him more clients and fame. Ravishankar made fun of Chopra, declaring Chopra is after money and fame but he is after helping people and changing the world. Mockingly, he put Chopra down, and of course, we admired our Guru then. He told us how Chopra had been sending spies to our courses and he was now teaching our pranayamas and other processes in his workshops.
Clearly, Deepak Chopra, the loser.

I then saw Chopra at the Bangalore Ashram during the inauguration of the Mantap. Rumours about his presence spread quickly in a victorious ecstatic tone. Finally, he was there paying respect to our Guru! You see, there was a story about an astrologer telling Chopra he would be at the feet of a guru of Southern India, and that his life time mission was to surrender to this Guru. Of course, rumor also was this Guru was Sri Sri Ravishankarji and that Chopra was too arrogant to surrender to anyone. Not only did Chopra not touch Ravi’s feet on that occasion but he also left earlier. We rested our case.

When Michael Jackson died and Deepak Chopra was interviewed non-stop by Larry King and other media sources, I, for the first time asked myself the questions: Does Chopra really need more fame and wealth than what he already has? Does Chopra really need the help of Sri Sri in order to be more respected? How much does Chopra really need the Sudarshan Kriya and the blessings of Sri Sri? Chopra has evidently achieved all his results very successfully, efficiently, by his own means. Was it not then that Sri Sri needed Chopra’s name and success and not the way around? I wonder what is Chopra’s version of the story, if at all, there ever were such stories!

And then, one day, I did what we were told we should never do: read about mantras, initiations, ex TMers blogs, etc. To my surprise, I found the following:

We provide info on the bliss, primordial sound, and nighttime techniques below. If you think your head might explode (medical term) or you might otherwise come to harm by reading this, please read no further. You could, of course, just save this message without reading it until some day in the future when you want to save yourself 700 bucks or more. We absolutely do not recommend that you practice or even try these techniques. We struggle with the idea that we are doing people a disservice by providing information about something which may cause them harm. But we count it more compelling to expose the secrets and give people the dignity of making their own choices.

1986, Instructor: Deepak Chopra Bliss technique: I was instructed to put my attention briefly on the heart region before beginning regular TM, and then to allow the mantra to resonate there as I meditated. He suggested that I would feel warm flows of "soma" emanating there. During rest afterwards, I was supposed to hold awareness of the entire body -- especially the circulating soma -- in my awareness.
(www.minet.org)

The instructions of Sahaj are, “Become aware of the area of the heart, and from that region, take the mantra and let go.” Which is what makes it different from the TM practise, which instructions are to repeat the mantra all the time. According to Sri Sri, of course, Sahaj was a lot deeper than TM.

Sri Sri had stolen from Chopra and not the way around! Sahaj Samadhi was a cheap copy of Chopra’s bliss technique, which, according to testimonies, was taught during a short time because it did not go well!

Mike Myer’s movie “Love Guru” ended up being a real satire of Sri Sri and AoL. It is true Sri Sri is dying to come out in Larry King’s and Oprah’s shows. In fact, so many letters have been written to Oprah, AoL has apparently been black listed as a “sect.” It is true Sri Sri is constantly competing with Chopra, just like the Love Guru. It is true Sri Sri is constantly brown nosing VIPs, people with money, beautiful women, etc. in order to escalate. Someone in a public talk asked him once, “How come you are always surrounded by beautiful women?” (If at least he liked women, but, unfortunately, is not even the case. Publicity, it is all about marketing. Just like the car and alcohol industries use women in their commercial to boost sales, Sri Sri does not differ too much from them).

Sahaj was “borrowed” from Chopra and Chopra is instead scrutinized. Sri Sri is constantly worried about someone stealing his Sudarshan Kriya. It takes one to know another. Thanks to internet though, you can now download it FOR FREE.

I wonder what Deepak Chopra would think about all of this. In fact, I would love to have tea with him one day. Could someone set this up? Thank you.