Liar, liar, pants on fire!

Ravishankar loves being the center of attention and definitely loves being in the news. Again, he made it. Times of India writes on the 31st of May 2010, “Sri Sri Ravi Shankar escapes bid on life as man fires at car.”

http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/india/Sri-Sri-Ravi-Shankar-escapes-bid-on-life-as-man-fires-at-car/articleshow/5992391.cms

I know that an incident like this should provoke some sympathy or pity in me towards him. I know. But, even if I try hard, I find nothing but laughter. I know it is politically incorrect but I find it humorous.

Here it is. The guy who spoke down on Gandhiji, insinuating that the man known for his message of non-violence, “ahimsa”, died in a violent way because he had violence within. Here is the man who waved off female devotees raped or beaten up by his devotees by telling them it was their fault or that they deserved it since “Violence attracts violence. Your karma.” Here it is. The man who always boasted nothing would ever happen to him because he was pure love, while speaking ill of other gurus, attacked by gunfire.

It truly amazes me how skillful he is at turning things around and manipulating people. “Violence attracts violence”, he always insisted, but when he is the one attracting violence he says, “For one who is established in non-violence, all kinds of hostility ceases.” Gee! How convenient! Can you please make up your mind? Is that how he will distract everyone from the incident that actually counts? That HE attracted violence to himself, even for just that moment, even if the attack did not fulfill its purpose?! HE ATTRACTED VIOLENCE.

At the end of the day, he turns the knowledge up and down in whichever way satisfies his needs. But, like a friend cleverly said, “Maybe he should listen to more knowledge.”

To make it worse, I guess his act had its effect on some people since someone left a comment in this blog blaming “disgruntled people” for the attack.

You got to be kidding me! Honey, wake up! Is RS never responsible for anything? When he attacks, he is helping us grow and eliminate our bad karmas. But when he is attacked, it is our fault. The truth is more disgruntled people should come out to do something about all the illegal activities that occur thru and in his organization, ranging from exploitation, to swindling, to cheating, to physical abuse, to sexual harassment and fondling, etc. He himself, not a little blog, is responsible for today’s attack. And, I bet it is not the first time nor the first person who has wanted to “get rid of him.” Believe it or not, he has broken too many families and ruined the lives of just too many.

For a long time after the Silver Jubilee, a heavily criticized event for its poor organization, mess, money scam and high level of unjustifiable narcissism, Bhanu and RS spent month trying to create pity on people by saying over and over again how he received so many threats, but despite it all, he kept the show going for his devotees and world peace. It was their lame way of distracting people from the obvious: the event was another failure and scam. He was “so busy” saving us from bombs and envious people. Back then, I remember hearing it with admiration. His life was at stake yet he kept the show going for the love of his devotees and the world! I still remember even the tone in which they'd speak about it just so that we'd feel bad. "Such an amazing guy! The world cannot stand so much light."

However, today’s news made me wake up and realize for the first time: for Heaven’s sake, he put thousands of life at risk just so that he could a few days of self-gratification and beat a Guiness record? Highly irresponsible. He is too narcissistic to worry about anyone else but himself.

I must be cured because today he did not manage to provoke any sympathy, pity or admiration for him, and definitely no guilt, but just disgust and humor. I am laughing at the lack of coherence and the obvious manipulation and sociopathology. I am laughing because today I see him very very very small. So pathetically small. I would not even be surprised if he planned it all just to get more news and distract people from the bad publicity he has been getting. Fame through pity sometimes work but I hope it won't.

At least in this blog, sympathy, guilt and pity won’t do it. Ravi & CO. still need to show more accountability, transparency and integrity. I still hope more people open their eyes to realize the farce. In his own words, “Karma is catching up, baby. Check on the violence inside you. Maybe you should do more seva? Have you been doing your sadhana everyday?”

Important note: Having expressed all of the above, it is important to clarify I do not wish RS anything bad, and definitely, I am glad nothing bad happened to him. I do not mean to ridicule the situation but I find humor in the incoherence and obvious manipulation of knowledge given the event, while at the same time, it is a self-reflection of how brain-washed I used to be, having fallen into the trap of those mind games too. I am aware the arguments in this article may offend some people. Apologies if it does.

Perfect message in a classic rhyme:

Liar, liar, pants on fire,
Hanging by a thread on a telephone wire!

Run Forrest! Run!!!!

BY KLIM

Teachers come and go. Just as devotees come and go. In fact, contrary to the AoL declarations, more go than come, and it is few who stay. Yet, despite all that fuzz AoL makes around the “sacred tape”, when a teacher leaves, they do not demand him/her to return the tape and manuals. It is often the teacher him/herself who does it out of a sense of duty or just to get rid of “that”; or otherwise, if in an area there is a despotic teacher, that one will most likely savor the opportunity to exercise the power and authority to request for them. All in all, the saddest funniest thing is the one returning the tape is happy, the one demanding for it is mad. I then wonder, actually how truly sacred is that tape and those manuals after all? How real is the copyright symbol we see in almost all their materials!?

There is a big dramatization around how difficult and sacred it is to have that tape, as if it was some Holy Grail. One needs to go thru torturous TTC, where bashing and smashing are part of the payment, thousands of dollars in course fees, followed by endless expenses that come before and thereafter organizing courses to prove one is deserving, attending courses to keep purifying, following RS for a drop of grace or two, buying books and tapes, etc. As a former teacher friend of mine said, “Don’t return the tape. You paid for it.” I had never thought about it until I heard it. Cheers to that wise observation and advise!

Unlike all other former teachers I know, RS asked for my tape when I turned down his offer to buy my silence. It was the first time I fully reckoned “the guru has a big ego" - a combination of hurt huge ego and worry is what I finally concluded. As funny as it seems, he worries I will create my own stuff, teach courses with the material he plagiarized and put in the form of “Art of Living courses”. Bottom line, that I become a competition. In another lifetime, I could have prided his fear is an indication of my competence. However, in this lifetime, I find it pathetic for it is revealing of the true nature of the organization and how little did he really know me. Though for a long time his bashing haunted me in paralyzing effects that impeded me from doing anything, today I realize I am more capable than I have ever been accredit for, and that because of it, RS and CO. trashed me but not before extracting all the juice out of me.

Though this blog was created out of a personal need, and a humble and shameful space, perhaps I am not wrong to state this is one proof of it. When I hear the efforts he is doing with his teams to undermine this blog, a little voice in my head says, “You want to copy even a blog you copy-cat? You are seriously afraid of a little blog? Of a little someone you trashed? You should have been nicer to me and I would have blogged in your favor! ;) ”

On another hand, another ex full-timer got this note from the "Holy Offices of His Excellency": “Further, we would like to state that you cannot use our name or any of our techniques / content for any purpose whatsoever.”

If anything, one cannot argue they are hilarious - hilariously arrogant and stupid. They try too hard to be the best and the professionals they are not. Maybe they should try harder. What does he mean? That this person, or in any case, all of us who left, cannot breathe, meditate, be vegetarian, do yoga, accept people as they are, live the present moment, not see intentions behind people’s mistakes anymore? It reminds me of the time he ridiculed the journalist who asked him if AoL was for everyone and he replied, “What do you mean? Breathing is not for everyone?” Ravi, dear, you really contradict yourself too much yet you still think the world is stupid?!

In a self-analysis and criticism, I notice that many teachers (especially full-timers) have in common 1. a distorted combination of arrogance and low self-esteem. The more arrogant the teacher is, the lower their self-esteem; 2. an unreal need to get the approval of a paternal figure/authority/people in general - in this case, RS and, often, students; 3. an incapacity to cope with their own life, a need to run away/hide/shelter from something; 4. some almost cute degree of gullibility; 5. the more involved, extreme behaviors that include being abusive, lacking sympathy, non-stop crying, sudden shouting (called, as per AoL teachers, "pita outbreak"), vulnerability, constant ups and downs, and unmeasurable anger, etc.; 6. some intense desire/need to serve, though for some, an intense desire to be served.

As a full-timer/teacher leaves, the sense of vacuum is too vast many don’t know how to cope with it. The sense of guilt and shame are overwhelming. The feeling of incapacity – the head does not work, the memory is not there, the ability to use the intellectual faculties neither, the lack of sense of reality with regards to the world, the loss of friendships/family/ networking, the lack of curriculum to find a job, the lack of financial means and many times, legal paperwork, problems with the spine. You go from being surrounded by people, emails, importance to absolutely NOTHING. Not even one email from your best pal asking how you are. Even worse, the one you considered even more important than your own life and family is nowhere to be found, but you still remember he told you he’d love and take care of you for ever. The inner struggle and pain are, thus, excruciating and confusing.

Furthermore, many teachers (especially full-timers) leave with a sense of paranoia. Often when I talk with one they underline the same phrase many times: “Please do not tell anyone what I told you. Promise you won’t tell.” One is constantly fearful people will be discussing about you or that someone is going to betray you by divulging something about you. In fact, being more exposed to the lions and to the war zone, a full-timer is more vulnerable, has been more abused and been under more abusers, thus, more exposed to betrayals than anyone else. A friend is never a friend but a potential enemy who will sell you at any given time but until then and despite it all, you belong to each other and you got to reciprocate "to be in the knowledge". At the end of the day, it is inevitable one develops some degree of neurosis and paranoia.

Unfortunately, I still don’t know of any teacher who has left immaculate from the organization. Using AoL words, no one has left “stronger, more capable to cope with the world and difficulties, more centered, at peace and mature”. To begin with, the psychological trauma one has to overcome and all that comes with it is not a deal of just a few months, a year or two. Many, still scarred by the AoL brain-wash are ashamed of seeking therapy. The physical damages require all sorts of medical supervision that not even doctors understand. Unfortunately, it is not until one gets strong that one can take care of life, step by step. In the meantime, trying to find a job, earn money, learn to be in the world again, make new friends (or, in some cases, make friends!), patch holes with the family (which often one ignored for so long). It is not easy at all, certainly, not quick either. Looking back, I see a gap in my life and, gee! I got to catch up!

I am lucky I kept in touch with non-AoL friends who, despite always knowing I was in a cult, offered me unconditional support, compassion, empathy and love. Without them, recovery would have been even more difficult. The loneliness, confusion, disappointment, pain I felt for so long, and which sometimes still hit me are so deep, the only thing that serves as consolation is reminding myself that being in that shithole, loosing my freedom and my own identity is worse. Somehow, one is a phantom citizen who reappeared on Earth after a long absence, as if one resuscitated from a comma.

I feel those who are still living in La-La land need to hear the other side of a story too. The one not many dare to share but exists. If the education we got in AoL was that good, I guarantee, most senior old-time teachers would not be there anymore! Setting someone free is a sign of growth and love. Believe me, most senior teachers are not there because of their conviction, love and faith in the path but rather, because they fear not making it in the world! They are broken individuals themselves but are the role models in AoL. At the end of the day, instead of uplifting human values, one looses the value of oneself and those that should be practiced.

My basic course teacher was eager I became a full-timer but when I was big time screwed by the AoL and when the damages of being a full-timer became evident, especially financially, she was not there for me either. It is like the story RS tells in the Ashtavakra: the man stole for his wife and his children to have a good life, but when he asked them if they’d share the karma of the actions with him, they said, “No way.”

When I was a full-timer people praised me for my courage and selflessness. Everyone reminded me I’d get such good merits. They admired me. They wanted to be my friend. I wonder, does not being a full-timer for RS now mean I don’t have courage, selflessness, good merits, virtues? What does it say about those who help you only when you belong to their same beliefs? Is that not cultic behavior after all? Fanaticism? You’d be surprised to know how many people are afraid of helping a former full-timer even though they know the abuse the person went through and the struggle therafter. It still upsets me when I hear of someone donating to the AoL phantom seva projects, despite knowing about the frauds, but won’t give someone whose life was spoiled by it even masala for one cup of chai.

There is nothing glorious about being a full-timer or a part-time teacher. It is gloriously stupid to give ones life to a fraud. Seva can be done in myriad ways and anywhere. Growth can happen without locking oneself to an organized path. Spirituality can occur at all times, without the need to kiss anyone’s feet or abide to any practices. Giving up one's life, avoiding it, pausing it, giving it away is not a solution or a sign of superiority. Certainly, it should not be an option.

Learn from those who today have the courage to share their mistakes, pain and struggle. As one of my favorite movies wisely said, “Run Forrest! Run!!!!”

YES. RUN!!!

"It's our choices Harry, that show us what we truly are, far more than our abilities." (Harry Potter)

Happy Free-Day (and new blog)

BY KLIM

There was a time that on this date, May 13th, we'd congratulate each other with a "happy birthday", and of course, move around with anticipation of the big date, event, overflowing ecstasy to celebrate the birthday of the one we considered our "guru", our spiritual master, our best friend, the one who knew our soul and loved us unconditionally, even beyond death.

Plenty of times I heard RS state the entire world would celebrate his 80th birthday. The UN would one day be singing bhajans in his honour and sing him happy birthday. In fact, coincidentally, when he turns 50, the AoL turns 25 - silver and gold jubilee - he made it a point to highlight this fact, as if it was some Divine planning and we, somehow, brain-dead, gasped in surprise and fascination.

Back then, brain-washed, brain-dead, enchanted and fooled by this "package of promises and apparent perfection", we did not question the self-centeredness and absolute narcissism of the matter. Today, when I look back, I puke in disgust at the thought of it all. How did I not figure out earlier this was about a highly self-centered man who is too enamored by his own image and whose libido depends on abusing and extracting at the expense of innocent souls? The ones manipulable because of their idealistic nature and love for serving humankind, and the ones with some degree of psychological instability, vulnerability and need? It is all about him and he rejoices in it. I guess when he talks about "stop thinking about me me me", he actually means, "only think of him him him" - from "me" to "Him" (Ravishankar "HIM") lies the key of AoL joy. The more devotion people pour on him, the more power he seems to get. He even seems bigger! And even bigger in India where crowds are larger. "Vampirism" is a term that comes to mind.

Today is a day I ponder on my own mistakes as I still struggle with the ghosts of my past and the sporadic traumatic flashbacks that hit here and there. As much as I'd love to erase those many years of cult abuse in a just a magic touch, since there is no magic that can undo that, I choose to live it with responsibility, the courage to face each challenge step by step, and the loneliness this entails. Little acts like learning to trust in people again, remembering not everyone I meet will be such psychotic "asses", learning to discern again between good and bad and trust my own intuition, trusting I won't make the same mistakes again, deleting all the psychological abuses RS himself and company churned in my mind, may be insignificant to the average person, but a leap of faith of huge distances for someone like me. I guess, above all, understanding that if one failed once, if one was fooled once, one will not fail and be fooled again. In fact, I am of the opinion that it is those who manage to make the painful exit of cult abuse that are strong. Succumbing to it is the weakness he and the system need in order to succeed.

May 13th is a date I unfortunately probably will never forget because of what it represents in my life - the deception, the abuse, the lies, the manipulation, the psychosis, the sociopathy, my years of innocence, idealism, fanaticism, brain-washing, irrationality ... mere stupidity. Thus, I also have chosen to make this my day of freedom.

I recently heard someone say, "Without freedom of expression there is no evolution."

May I, you, we never forget the beauty and value of freedom of the soul, freedom of expression, freedom of the mind, freedom of living, and to, first and foremost, value and trust ourselves. If God and one are ONE then growth, evolution, spirituality is within and does not, should not ever depend on anyone else, and even less, giving our power away. Cherish and love yourself. We were once deceived not because we were stupid or had "bad karma". We were innocent and idealist souls. Let's humbly learn from our mistakes and cultivate that mind and heart that once inspired us to find a spiritual path and selflessly serve others. Learning from my mistakes and having the courage of admitting them is a wealth that I can proudly call mine. Let's pave our path with awareness, self-love, trust, and knowledge founded in our hearts, with precious care, critical thinking and responsible freedom.

Happy Free-Day to you all! And a true "Victory to the Guru that dwells inside you", that guru which is you and only you.

And as a perfect birthday present, check out the new blog: www. aolfree.wordpress.com and, though numbers don't matter, in a sarcastic note, please note that this is the only related to AoL thing that is truly what it is and not manipulated information by anyone: "Confessions of a Guruholic" has reached more than 100,000 hits in less than 6 months. "Celebrate in silence"? ;)

Sri Sri, Free Free, Fraud Fraud, LOL LOL

BY KLIM

Apparently what came out of the meeting between the AoL US board and Sri Sri to discuss how the blog “Confessions of a Guruholic” has “become a virus” is the creation of another blog led by two of their marketing people (Harish Ramachandran, CEO of Sumeru India, and Bharathy): www.artoflivingfreefree.blogspot.com. In the same way I no longer read “esatsang” or visit any AoL websites, I also have not checked out this one. I have no doubt, however, they will do a good job - in style, content, schemes. After all, the AoL is what it is due to witty marketing!

I am, however, still processing my thoughts and feelings about it. It is the ultimate fall of someone who once was my “idol”. If I still had any hopes or ideas that perhaps RS was a good person corrupted by power, I sadly have no longer any doubts we are facing a man greatly blinded by power, led by acute narcissism. I don’t know whether to worry, laugh, pity or fear them. This is the story of a man who claims to be a spiritual enlightened master, but also of one who is afraid of losing power to a blog. If there is truth in anything he does and who he is, including his condition of “spiritual master” and “enlightened being”, then, he/they would not even bother campaigning against it by defending themselves, convincing anyone of anything or “exposing” anything. Truth speaks alone. A blog that desperately goes out to negate another only insinuates weakness and deceit. I am afraid Ravishankar is neither well-assessed nor thinking with the “big mind”. The ultimate, absolute fall of my former “idol”.

A "blog blog" will only weaken their status and bring more popularity to this one. I and Co. are not interested in numbers, hits, popularity. I keep insisting this blog was not created with the intention of defaming anyone or anything. This blog was created with the sole purpose of allowing healing, sharing, recovery (mainly, that of my own). If I were interested in defaming, other kind of stories would have been published, with full names, details, locations, etc. Whereas we used to justify the “nasty” by exhonerating the guru of any wrong-doing, this finally teaches me it is all only an expression of the guru. As the popular saying states (and he also does), “we become like the one we love.”

However, I only have one question that rhymes to “where have all the flowers gone?” - “Where did all the knowledge go?” Wasn’t it that we should not be “football of other people’s opinions”, “not see intentions behind people’s mistakes”, “not make the mistake of going against other’s mistakes”, “we are all responsible for everything”, “I belong to you”, “accept people as they are”, “love our enemy”, “love is not an emotion it is our very own existence”? Where did all the knowledge go???

I understand the blog has 2 “free” in its title, and something about “exposing the guruholics”. Thus, my second question: can fanaticism lead to so much stupidity they actually cannot even think? The title “Confessions of a Guruholic” is a criticism of myself, of my years of brain-washed, brain-dead guru addict. I was a “guruholic” and no longer am, thus, the “confessions” (though they say, once an addict, always an addict. I, for one, do not want to see a guru in any size, shape and color for quite many life times). Whatever attack or exposing they do to the “guruholics” will only be of themselves since they are the only “guruholics” here! Noone following this blog, except AoLers, are “guruholics”! Sadly, their hatred and fanaticism does not allow them to realize this. Is it all only about conquering the world or smashing those who do not agree with them? Is it really all only about money, as I am told by many?

Further, in a logical equation, “artoflivingfree” means, free of AoL. By double negating it, their subliminal message is one cannot be free of the AoL. Whatever you do to free yourself of it, they will eliminate because there is nothing such as being free of “it”. Freeing the free means there is no free. Question: Wasn’t it that spiritual evolution gives and leads one to freedom? What happened with “a master is happiest when the disciple transcends him”?

With just a little bit of reason and critical thinking, any half intelligent person will see the only message AoL is sending with this attempt is the confirmation they are a cult of a bunch of fanatics who rule with despotism.

Many people have expressed they find this campaign ludicrous. I find it sad and disturbingly embarrassing. This is what the man whose feet I once touched and the organization I once represented narrows down to. Not even an ounce of dignity, integrity or elegance. Further, they keep accusing a friend for being Klim and leading this blog. In the last month she’s received 2 written threats from Ravishankar. Excuse me, wasn’t it Ravishankar knows it all?

And so, in the spirit of maintaining the true essence of this blog, we will add their link to ours under "Helpful Links", for the love and respect of freedom of speech and of the being and because “opposite values are complimentary”. We were not allowed to express nor think on our own while with them, and though they try to censor us even when we are no longer with them, it is our intrinsic birthright (just like “having a body free of diseases and a mind free of stress”). It is sad to see how many people leave the organization totally destroyed, disheartened, shaken, confused, ill. Few people understand the pain of spiritual rape and deception, of cult abuse and brain-washing. Though I have attempted to shut down this blog many times due to lack of time and (I must confess) interest because I grow tired of hearing about AoL, “Confessions of a Guruholic” will remain here for those who need a place to heal, share and be heard, because there is need and it is a free world. People are only righteously demanding for transparency. That is all. There is nothing wrong with that. RS/AOL should not be afraid of it nor defend themselves. If they humbly understood this, they could improve their organization.

However, it seems RS & Co. are in the mood for war but I am not. It was never about that. It was about love, love for myself, the love that I did not have while blindly working for him while worshipping him, thinking I was being led towards spiritual growth. Scream, threaten the wrong people, threaten me, lie, but, if you could see me now, you will see a big sincere smile in my face and peace in my heart. I am happy to be truly FREE. If RS were a true Master, he would only just be happy for me and give me his blessings (instead of curses).

I salute those who have deceived, betrayed, hurt and lied about me. The feverishness, hatred, fanaticism, ambition, fears I’ve found and keep discovering in the AoL have taught me great lessons, and keep further adding maturity, strength and depth in my life. As I often say, ever since I left the AoL, I have found real spirituality. In humble gratitude.

Eaten Up By My Own Mind (part 2: The Curse)

BY NICK (continued)

Well, the meeting ended badly. He hadn't read the mail. I had anticipated that, so I had a print-out which I handed over to him, on my way out -in complete shock. This is what I wrote down on my laptop, immediately afterwards:

I gotta write this down before I forget. I went to the meeting. He started telling us about a great spiritual time starting from 2011, and how until then we would see people losing faith and falling into darkness. I told him then that I personally had lost faith in him, but I did not feel particularly in darkness, quite the opposite. I told him I had some issues with the organisation and in particular his person. He cut me off and started talking about faith, how important it is to be faithfull. I told him I had lost faith in his Divine status, and felt no worse for that. He got angry and started shouting: ”Do you know me? Do you think you really know me?” I was pretty subdued at that time, not able to do anything but stammer something. That happens, when a person that I have considered for 10 years to be the closest thing to a living God starts shouting at me. Then he went on shouting, ”I know your past as well as your future”. Something else -I was scared out of my wits at this time, I don´t remember clearly- and then he said ”you can just leave anytime, nobody is stopping you."

So I left. Clearly he didn't know my future that well, at least he did not seem to have anticipated that: 10 minutes later I got a call from one of his people asking me to come back. I said no. Then another call asking me to come back and give my Kriya tape back to him in person (I had left it with his secretary on the way out). I refused. Another call -I didn't pick it up. Then an sms asking me to hand over the course manual too. I answered back, ”you can have it all”. Then another sms asking me to hand over the course manual -to the Guru, in person. I didn't answer that one.

I wonder what he told my (ex) colleagues after I left? That I was severely deluded? Possesed be a Demon, perhaps? Or maybe that he staged the whole event, to deliberately set me free, for my own sake? I am curious, but I no longer care about his opinion. This event established it for me: the guy is a fake. He lost it, the nice facade cracked and an altogether too human nature shined through.

I am sure some of my ex-colleagues feel very sorry for me right now, as I used to feel very sorry for the people who left the organisation. All I feel now is relief and great joy!

The next days and weeks are a blur in my mind. The emotional stress of leaving AOL after 10 years was tremendous; fear and doubts made gave me bouts of regret. Had I thrown away the most precious thing in my life? Was this the ultimate, bad karma? Immediately after leaving, I sent an e-mail with the two letters above attached, to all the people in AOL that I knew personally, including the people I had taught on courses. It caused some upheavals, as people started forwarding it to others, but curiously enough the only hate-mail I got back was from a German senior teacher, to whom I hadn't sent the mail:

Dear Nick,

I have read your two Emails concerning you views on Guruji and AOL. Maybe Art of Living just needed a "bad" guy; thank you very much for playing that role. But please make sure that u don't drown in the bitterness and hatred. You are so compassionate to save people from being cheated you're your are sending mails to everybody to make them aware so that they don't get cheated . Is it out of compassion for others or out of your own hatred in which you were reeling for some time. Actually its too late, you have been party to it for so many years yourself! Your words have no value now. Did it take so many years for you to realize this???

To know somebody is a fraud, you need to know that person in and out. You never had a chance to know Guruji from close corner. Perhaps that jealousy is what makes you act like. Ask yourself, is it not jealousy that makes you act like this? I have seen Guruji from close corners. His sincerity and simplicity is just mind-blowing. You call him a fraud, yes, but this is absolutely ridiculous.

With best regards
Jgd
Lars

With best regards, Lars? Oookay, if you say so.

A few weeks after my dramatic exit, I met with a former AOL teacher colleague, who also happened to be a friend and business partner. He had been present at the meeting also. Out of curiosity, I asked him what had happened on the meeting, after I left. He told me that SSRS had read my letter. Then when asked by one of the teachers what would happen to the teachers who left the organisation, he had replied: ”They will be eaten up by their own minds”.

Hearing those words, I was paralyzed by fear. My worst fears were confirmed, just like that! I was damned, by my sinful actions! And because of my mail, there was no way back to the Guru's Grace!It took several days of counselling by good friends (also ex-teachers) for me to realize the fact that curses only work on those who believe in them. One very good example is this: http://www.redicecreations.com/article.php?id=10282

Two years have passed since the Guru's curse. I still haven't been eaten up by my own mind. In fact I feel fine, better than ever. I certainly don't miss the stress and sense of urgency permeating AOL, putting most of the teachers in a state of heightened arousal, making them easier to control and manipulate. These words of Janja Lalich have been a great inspiration to me:

"Now that you are no longer on a mission to save the world or your soul, relaxation and rest are no longer sinful. In fact, they are absolutely necessary for a healthy, balanced, and productive life." (Lalich, Janja: "Take Back your Life: Recovering from Cult and Abusive Relationships")

With your mind conditioned by AOL to believe that SSRS is enlightened, a lot of the craziness in AOL doesn't make sense. Still, we excuse His erratic behavior with the usual arguments: it is for the good of all, the Divine works in mysterious ways, etc. An incompetent leader is allowed to keep her job ”because she needs it for her personal growth”, and we are in awe of His compassion.

But once you ask yourself one simple question: ”What if He isn't enlightened? What if He has self-interest?”, then everything makes sense. An incompetent board president is allowed to stay, because unquestioning loyalty is valued more than leadership skills, and because it makes the group easier to control. Fits of rage from the Guru suddently makes sense -the anger is not ”faked”, it is genuine. And the primary motivation of the man who started it all is no longer love and compassion, but greed for power, money and personal fame. As a senior teacher (an elderly Indian woman living in Bad Antogast) once told me: ”He feeds off devotion”. She meant it lovingly, but I think she was right back then, and when I think of the consequences of this -that He is addicted to devotion, seemingly wanting it more and more- it makes me shudder in horror. Joel Kramer describes in his book "The Guru Papers: Masks of Authoritarian Power" how cult leaders often show great love, compassion and tolerance, as long as their growing needs for personal ego gratification are met. As soon as the cult's popularity and growth starts to diminish, the cult leader will often react by weeding out the weak of faith, and strenghening his grip on the remaining members. So my advice to any AOL members reading this is: get out now, while you can, it is bound to get even more crazy than you have experienced until now.

I no longer believe in enlightenment. But do I belive in the opposite, then? Is SSRS the Anti-Christ of all time, purely evil? Actually I believe that he might have started out with the best of intentions, back then. But, as often happens -in the words of Lord Acton (1887): "Power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely. Great men are almost always bad men." The power you are offered as a Guru, when devotees surrender their free will to you -that is absolute power. If you take it, you are lost, you have gone to the Dark Side.

The whole point of democracy is to limit power, and make the people in powerful positions accountable for any abuse of their power. In business, legislation prevents companies from monopolizing the market, thus preventing them from becoming too powerful. Nothing in the AOL prevents SSRS from aquiring and exerting absolute power; quite the contrary, in fact. Of course the poor guy turns out megalomanic. Yes, he is dangerous. But he is also a victim himself. A victim of misplaced devotion. For as long as there are people in this world willing to trust the word of another above their own judgement, thus bypassing their intellect, we will have Bad Gurus. Maybe it is time to think for ourselves?

Eaten Up By My Own Mind (part 1: Anonymity and Confrontation)

BY NICK

It is exactly two years now, since my exit from AOL. I was a member for 10 years, a teacher for 8 of those. Reading this blog, I sympathize deeply with the people who have been hurt by their affiliation with the organization. I understand the need for anonymity -I myself do not want my full name associated with the organisation. I imagine a future prospective employer googling my name, and there I am, linked to a religious, new-age cult. How embarrasing! So, I am using my ”Nick”name, to write these posts. People who knew me back then will know who I am, and they can make their own judgements as to how reliable my story is. Anyone else... sorry guys! My years in AOL are not something I am proud of. If I am going to be able to put them behind me, I need to be able to keep my name clear of AOL.

Some writers have expressed fear of violent reprisals by AOL'ers, lest their identity be known. I have no fear of that; the AOL teachers and organisers in my area are basically good people, albeit severely deluded. True, there are some genuine nutcases also, more powerful now that many of the good people have left. But the violence in AOL seems to me to be primarily emotional. There is quite a lot of that, though. But I live in a quiet part of the world. Ex-devotees in other countries may have different experiences. As for the fear of legal reprisal: Imagine the organisation suing the authors in this blog, for libel. ”We are not a cult. We do not use mind-control techniques. No money has been siphoned off to private accounts.” Can you imagine AOL doing that? No, me neither.

I no longer do any practice, except for some occasional yoga. I regard the AOL practice as helpful in many instances, potentially harmful only if you overdo it (as many of us did back then) or regard it as a miracle cure for all personal problems, mental and physical -thereby not seeking proper, professional help (yep, we did that too).

In the years before leaving, I had gradually ”lost faith”. A clinical depression, lasting several years, had not lifted, despite SSRS's claim that "I was in a difficult astrological phase, and it would get better next year". A trip to India, personally invited by SSRS to travel with him, left me feeling empty and even more depressed than before. There were no answers to be found in the Holy Land. Personal time with the Master turned out to be... well, boring. And the hysteria, the manipulation of devotees and the general bad craziness was worse than ever before.

One day, sitting in the throes of deep depression, with suicidal thoughts, I suddently realized: He won't be able to save me. In fact, no-one will come to save me. I am alone, and I have to face up to that reality. In that very moment, my three-year long depression lifted, just like that. I also lost the last shreds of faith in the Guru as a person of supernatural power, able to communicate with and and influence people through metaphysical means. I still had faith in his good intentions, though, and a couple of months later, with this new conviction I left home for a National Teachers' Meeting with the man, to test whether my newfound belief would be accepted.

You see, I really enjoyed teaching the course. And I figured, why not be the first atheist AOL teacher? Sure, maybe SSRS believes himself to be enlightened and in posession of divine qualities and supernatural powers. Well hey, everybody are entitled to their own personal beliefs, so why not him also? Maybe some people actually need a guru to whom they can surrender their free will, someone to relieve them of the responsibility of life. Maybe he is doing good things for some people, and only unintentionally messing other people up.

Two days before the meeting, I sent him an e-mail, with copies to my teacher colleagues. This is the mail:

Dear Guruji,
I have two important issues that I would really like to discuss on the National teacher's meeting Saturday, where I will also be present. One regards the Art of Living organisation as a whole, the other regards the local organisation.

My main concern is the emphasis and focus on your person, as a Divine being with supernatural powers. A new Messiah, you might say. In fact, are you aware that a lot of people -teachers in particular- actually believe you to be a reincarnation of Christ? Some of them even claim to have heard you yourself say so. I am not saying that you are not, although personally I find it very unlikely. All I am suggesting is that you either deny those claims, or get ready to prove them should they become publicly known, as is bound to happen eventually. Can you imagine the reaction from the christian community?

Already on the internet many of these stories are being told, by "defectors" from the organisation. If you don't believe me look at http://guruphiliac.blogspot.com/2008/03/defection-aol-teacher-sees-light.html and it continues at
http://guruphiliac.blogspot.com/2008/04/sri-sris-shameless-flimflamming.html

Now of course these examples could just be someone trying to drag your name through the mud. It just strikes me how similar my own thougths regarding you have been recently.

I used to believe in your Divine powers, your ability to hear and answer prayers coming to you from across the globe, your ability to be present in two places at the same time, to heal the incurable etc. etc. Why shouldn't I? I was surrounded by people who were prepared to swear that their miraculous experiences in your name really happened. The fact that I myself never saw you perform any miracles -defined as "exertion of supernatural powers", something that could not be explained by reason and science- made me feel very shameful. Maybe I was not a proper devotee? Maybe I was not worthy to get a glimpse of your true, Divine being? Not strong enough? Not surrendered enough?

For many years I used to pray to you, to give me a sign -give me my own "Guru-story" that would vaporize my doubt and make my faith strong! Shame and guilt grew in me, because of my secret doubts about my Guru. I was told repeatedly on courses and TTC, that doubt was just lack of prana. As a way to compensate for my guilt, I would try my best to convince other people that you had these special powers.

The teacher's training reinforced my inner conflict. We were told countless "Guru-stories" documenting your Divine powers, and many stories going "My Guru told me to do this-and-this and I didn't and I was miserable and then I did it and everything became fine", and "this person left the organisation and look at him now he is miserable". Maybe these stories are meant to be inspiring. In me they created fear - fear of independent thoughts and actions. Fear of following my heart, should my heart tell me to do things that was not related to Art of Living. For many years I was afraid to ask your advice in personal matters. What if you told me to do something that went against my own, innner conviction? Then I would have to do it, because not doing as your Guru tells you is extremely bad karma. So I had been told. So better not ask. And then lots of guilt for not trusting you.

It seems to me that you have allowed a whole mythology to be created around your person. The closer you get to the "inner circle" around you, the more people act as if you are the ultimate answer to all the problems of the world. You are all-knowing, you posses special Divine insight etc. As a concequence, very few dare question you at all -and may even be feeding you wrong information about your own organisation, based more on what they think you might want to hear -based on your "prophecies"- than actual reality. It is certainly a joke how AOL activities and achievements are routinely exaggerated. Maybe you are surrounded by yes-sayers, of the worst kind? Certainly a strong dogma among the teachers is that you do not under any circumstances question the Guru.

At the root of every religion is the notion that "We have the ultimate truth. Everybody else are deluded". Too many people are treating Art of Living as a religion. I can't say that I blame them. I used to believe myself that you will save the world, that your ultimate and Divine knowledge will envelop the whole world. If we do nothing to stop this tendency, then I believe the Art of Living will end up just like that -another religion, of which the world has too many allready. Just recently attemps were made to throw me out of the TTC group in my country, on the grounds that "I was not adhering to the proper teachings of the Guru". It was demanded that "I declare the nature of my relationship with you". Many teachers have been blinded by faith, to the extent that declaring your proper faith becomes more important than living basic human values. The whole Guru-hype culture and in particular the massive indoctrination happening in the TTC is creating this, and I can not at present recommend teachers training, DSN or even phase three courses to anyone. The risk of getting caught up in the myths surrounding you, and thereby loosing trust in your own judgement is too big.

I have lost my faith in you as the all-knowing, almost-omnipotent, Guruji. And it is a great relief, as it has allowed me to gain faith in myself. I no longer believe in Grace as an actual thing transferred from you to me -and I am experiencing more Grace in my life than ever before! It seems to be coming from inside of me.

We were told on TTC that we were "The Chosen Ones" -hand-picked by You to spread the light in the world. And oh, it felt wonderful to be among the select few. Unfortunately it widened the distance between me and the rest of humanity (non-aol people) and made me feel increasingly lonely. After climbing down off my pedestal I feel such relief and so much more belongingness to everyone. I no longer follow the advice from TTC to "hide your attachments", I no longer feel pressure to maintain a proper front as an Art of Living teacher. I am just... me, mr. Average Joe, no better or worse than anyone else. Wonderful!

I believe I would have followed you even without the promise of enlightenment through Divine Grace. I acknowledge the tremendous, positive difference you make in people's lives. And I wonder why you allow people to attribute every single positive change to your Divine intervention, thus creating a false dependency on the Guru. As I see it, when people relax and gain knowledge, they heal themselves. It is a perfectly natural -not supernatural- thing. In fact, my innner conviction is closer to that of atheism than anything else. And frankly it offends me to read talks by you in which you claim atheists to be stupid. As if we are unable to perceive and appreciate the beauty and wonder of the world without a belief in God.

I just recently finished teaching a Basic course, and I must say -I enjoy it very much, and I would like to continue giving these courses. And although I certainly do question your judgement, particularly in regard to how you allow cultish worshipping of your person, I do not question your authority in the Art of Living. I will bring my kriya tape Saturday, and if based on this mail you do not wish me to continue teaching, I will hand it back to you, no hard feelings. I don't really expect you to change anything, purely on the basis of my humble opinion, and I am ready to drop my involvement in the Art of Living complety. I am writing this out of love for the knowledge, the organisation, it's people and... well. You.

See you saturday!
Love,
Nick.


(to be continued)

The chair is sizzling

In order to be “somebody” in the AoL, one has to go through the hot chair at least once. It is a process done in DSN (a requisite for TTC) and in TTCs. RS explains one has difficulties criticizing and being criticized and both are an indication of ego. Thus, the infamous “hot chair.”

Though I agree with this “knowledge point”, I believe criticism should be constructive instead of random and destructive. Unfortunately the “hot chair” was more an exercise in which the teacher vented all his/her unresolved power issues and frustrations, and the participants their aggression and fears. By the end, the participants were broken down, vulnerable, demoralized, some traumatized, perfectly ready to be manipulated and brain-washed (a common exercise done in cults).

I remember a woman being yelled horrible words, including “slut!!! bitch!!!” just because she has big breasts. A gay man was called, “Fagget!” and many other demeaning things related to his sexuality. Another, who confessed she had been beaten up by her husband and had an abortion, which she still, 20 years later, felt guilty about, was yelled, “You deserved to be beaten up! Look at you! Who would want to be born to you! You deserved it! You bitch!” Can someone please explain how this can help anyone in a positive way? Definitely, neither the one criticized nor the one criticizing. It is not criticism, it is insulting. Worse, insulting in the name of knowledge, spiritual growth and “your own good”!

Teachers often misused their power and this exercise in various ways. I remember, for example, there was a teacher who wanted to get rid of someone. She thought this man was not worthy of being a teacher (although he had been made one) because he was “gay, fat, ugly and poor” (her words). She, the head in her community, gathered the rest of the teachers and the board just to put the man on the “hot chair”. It was demoralizing and abusive. I reckon the person had a lot more studies, knowledge and centeredness than many other teachers of the area. Unfortunately, they simply did not like him, felt threatened by him and were jealous of him. Not only did this person leave the AoL but it took him years to overcome the trauma it caused.

Looking back I see love was often used as an excuse to abuse someone. “This is all for your growth, to make you stronger, see how much the guru loves you.” Whenever one was abused, one was given that explanation. I guess, love can kill too.

I remember once the organization and the guru had done something horrible. My students, confused, asked a senior teacher why they were treating me so poorly. Her explanation was, “Understand that the more you are attacked and suffer in the AoL the more it means you are evolving.” For heaven’s sake! Some twisted thinking we followed!

I remember always asking, even when I became a teacher, how come so many senior teachers were still so nuts and mean if they had dedicated so many years to the path. The answer would be, “Oh, but you should have seen how he/she was before!” Funny, I found myself giving the same answer many years later, when perhaps, the correct one was, “this is just a sect, there is no growth here, it is all an excuse.”

Someone who was beaten up by the man RS told her to be with, was told she had to observe her own violence because she obviously was provoking the beating. The point about “we attract violence because there is violence within us” (the famous Gandhi example Shankar makes: Gandhi, the man who preached non-violence, died in a violent way because he was violent to his wife and to himself) is not always valid. Everything needs to be applied with logic and reason, rather than to justify “the means to the end”. What was so violent about Tibetans before the Chinese took over, tortured and killed? What is so violent about a child who is raped and killed? Of course, I can almost hear someone whisper, “past life karma.” Come on!

Anyway, some wicked lousy arguments we listened to and followed! Challenging them made one a rebel, with shaky faith, no devotion, lacking surrender.

What is even more funny is the man who preaches about the value of criticizing and being criticized cannot and does not like to be on the chair himself. If you never want to be in bad terms with Ravishankar, NEVER tell him you disagree with him or that something he did is wrong. Like, never tell him his organization lacks ethical practices and values, or that his teachers are bad, or that the Silver Jubilee was not really that successful and people were unhappy, or that an article someone wrote about him with some negative remarks were actually quite accurate. In any case, failures and mistakes are always ours, and achievements and glories always his.

I am often surprised by the reactions of AoLers leaving comments in this blog – aggressive and quite off-centered, and the fact that RS is apparently worried about the existence of it. Is this what I think is happening? RS is shaking on his hot chair! Yet he still does not and cannot understand this blog is not interested in destroying his organization, but rather to offer people a space to express themselves and find healing. Not everyone needs to agree with AoL/RS or think AoL/RS are the best. If they see it as a criticism of their actions and people, there is a lot I guess they should ponder about their own ego, maturity and hidden agenda.

Apparently the head of the AoL marketing department (what a joke) and the US board are planning a meeting with RS to discuss how the blog has become a virus for the organization. Apparently even teachers are disturbed and having doubts after reading the blog.

1. If none of these stories resonated a little bit with ones experiences, then one would neither have doubts nor feel disturbed. On the other hand, many who have left, actually find healing with the blog because they identify with many stories.

2. If the organization really was about spirituality and its guru so great, then why even discuss “the blog” at the board level or at all? If a program is good, no virus could affect it. (I wonder if Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have a board meeting to discuss all the news published about them. Imagine then Berlusconi would be in meetings only to discuss the press!).

3. The blog is overflowed by comments and emails from AoLers “daring” and “demanding” to be published. They are full of rage, hatred, often, quite imbalanced. Beloved ones, we left an abusive relationship and we will not enter another one, especially with mini-SriSris, thus, please don’t boss us around and tell us what to do. So far we posted every comment, unlike Bawa and Dinesh who only post those in favor of their voice. However, there is no room in this blog for AoL abuses nor demanding tone. Having been slaved and slapped around for whatever time was enough. On the other hand, we have received many messages from former members thanking the blog and requesting we keep this going as well as the space for healing. Thus, this is what will be respected.

4. If the organization really was about spirituality and the teachings effective, why do their followers write with so much rage, hatred and off centered? Why do they even check out the blog? Why do they perceive it as a personal attack towards them? Why are they even sending damage control teams to police activities of freedom of speech? We are all free to believe whatever we want, and it is OK if not everyone thinks AoL and RS are the best. It is time to grow up and realize it is OK.

5. It is interesting, when one is in disagreement with “them”, they label it as “bad energy” or “negativity.” But if they are in disagreement with “us”, they are “righteous and evolved.”

6. By the way, they have even tried to "hack" the account by sending faking an mail from "Gmail" requesting our full name, password, phone number and country within 7 days, otherwise, our account will be closed. Unbelievable. Why all this fear? If it is that good, why fear anything at all? It is more a mafia than a spiritual organization. Where did the spirituality go?

Can someone please find logic to any of these points?
What about you don’t see intentions behind my actions and I accept you as you are?

What can I say? It seems not even Ravishankar lives the knowledge and certainly his asana is sizzling. But don't worry, as we were often told, "It will be good for your ego and your growth. We love you."

Art of Living Course or Curse?

BY HUMBLE WITNESS

My first introduction to the convoluted world of the Art of Living was through a very benign-looking “basic course” I took many years ago. There I was, surrounded by wide-eyed, innocent students like myself, each of us looking for something different. Some were there for stress-management techniques, others were there to improve their grades or become more productive at work, and still others were there to find the purpose and true meaning of their lives. There we all were, looking for different things in that same place. And by the end of the course, somehow the teacher had us all convinced that AoL and SK were the magical answer to all our problems in life and the only key to happiness. We were told we were among a select chosen few to come across this “knowledge”, and I somehow believed what I was told. I have to admit, I felt blessed, and from that space of love and gratitude, I devoted the next several years of my life, every ounce of my free time, and every penny of my savings to AoL courses—to attend them, organize them, and teach them. And in hindsight, that first course I took, which lead to all the others, turned out to be a curse that had brought so much misery, and lead me down a path that nearly destroyed my life.

Over the years that followed that first part 1, I had attended many other courses. There seemed to be a lot of pressure in my local group to attend advanced courses (part 2s, DSNs, blessings etc.). The common conception was that these courses were a “true vacation”, an opportunity for growth, or a path to enlightenment, and not to be missed, whatever the cost, especially when given in the presence of ravi shankar. If you didn't have money for the course, borrow it. If you didn't have time to take off work, make up an excuse or just go anyway. These were things people did to get to courses. Our local teachers encouraged us all to go, taking advantage of our weekly kriya gathering as an opportunity to spread the word about these “amazing opportunities”. There was an unspoken competition among peers to get all the requirements done to become a teacher. Somewhere along the way, I got swept up into the mania and dragged myself to course after course all over North America (and even in India). Somewhere deep down inside, I must have known the truth about AoL because often I would get overtaken by a sense of revulsion and anxiety as the course date approached. I truly did not want to go, and often would come close to cancelling. When I asked my teachers about these feelings, they would encourage me to go, like zombie cheerleaders, and attribute all the “negative” feelings I had to “pre-course karma”. After coming home from such courses, I would usually fall ill, and inevitably be applauded by the group for going through such “purification” and “cleansing”. It was something to almost be envied for. Once after an extended course in the Montreal ashram, held in the dead of winter, I returned home with such severe bronchitis that I needed immediate medical attention and was at risk of developing pneumonia. It took me over a month to fully recover. Only in AoL could becoming so ill be regarded as a sign of something so positive.

I was always attracted to this idea of doing “seva”, or selfless service in my community. But somewhere along the way, tens of AoL courses later, the idea got twisted, the wires in my brain got shorted, and I got convinced that the highest seva and the only one worth doing is to organize more AoL courses and recruit more people to spread the “knowledge”. And like a good little “seva warrior”, I did just that. Organizing courses and “outreach” are the true dirty-works of the organization. Any salesman would tell you that the hardest thing to do is “cold-calling,” where one introduces a product for the first time and meets with rejection most of the time. But I was trained well in DSN and TTC1 to “overcome my inhibitions”, and accept rejection, criticism, and emotional abuse. I was primed and ready to be a seva warrior and organize successful events, “come what may”. I would set the course dates, put my own money down for a venue, and then invite teachers from out-of-town. In return, I would receive their “support” and “encouragement” in the form of pressure to meet certain numbers of paid participants by certain made-up deadlines, or else they would threaten to not come at all. I did not want to lose my credibility with the people I had managed to sign up for the course, and I certainly did not want to lose the money I had to invest from my own pocket. Desperate to recruit enough people for these courses, I would make frequent announcements about the “amazing” upcoming event in our weekly satsangs, and I quickly exhausted my supply of friends (many of whom I’d lost due to my involvement with aol), and alienated myself from co-workers by attempting to recruit them and neglecting my work. I nearly lost my job for this “seva” and found justification for my actions in ravi shankar’s words “if you do my work, I’ll do yours.” Inevitably, I was stuck with both our work, and I was the only one left accountable if things failed.

If the numbers fell short, it would be my fault for not “moving with the grace”, not having enough faith, not having strong enough “sankalpa”, or not being fully open to HIS divine guidance. No matter the reason, a failure was my fault, if people didn’t sign up, the problem was always “in my mind”, and I’d be the only one left to foot the bill in case the event fell through. But when things were pulled off successfully, of course the credit would go to ravi shankar, the supreme master of the universe, our divine leader, GOD HIMSELF. I don’t know which was worse—when an attempt failed and the course had to be “postponed” (mind-you, never cancelled to let you off the hook), or when a course was “successful” and proceeded as planned. By the end of the course, inevitably, one or a few of the course participants would be “inspired” to organize the next course, and me, being the “experienced team-leader” would be asked to oversee the whole operation. On too many occasions, I felt compelled, or rather dragged into course organizing for that very reason. And yet again, I’d be the one responsible for the outcome (but only if it wasn’t successful).

Even though AoL had become an increasing drain on my time, energy, and personal and financial resources, I still aspired to become an AoL teacher. To this day, I’m not exactly sure why. Was it because I longed to make a difference in the world, convinced that sk was the answer? Was it because I wanted to be among the “chosen few” (or so I thought at the time) to spread “HIS knowledge”? Was it because so many others with whom I associated aspired to become teachers and I got swept up in the mania? The only thing I know for sure was that I was driven, and somewhere along the way, I stopped asking questions and became unaware of my own reasons for doing the things that I did. I had all those words of encouragement told to me by various AoL teachers ringing in my head. “You would make a great teacher,” they’d say, or “you should become a teacher.” When ravi shankar himself told me to become a teacher, I felt honored, and became the envy of my satsang group. And like a good little zombie, I followed through and took all the required courses.

Once I became a teacher, only one thing had changed. I still had to do all the organizing, but this time, I had no choice if I wanted to remain true to my words. I had to say “YES!” to everything, no matter how absurd the request, no matter how much energy, time, and finances it would require. I had to be in the “yes mind”—after all, I was a teacher, and preaching that very concept to my students. If an inexperienced or mentally-unstable member of the group wanted to organize a 108-person part 1 course, my answer would be “YES!”, or if he/she wanted to organize a 1,008-person event with food and music, and turn it into an intro-talk, my answer would be “YES!”, or if they wanted to invite “guruji” to our city with the promise of a stadium full of 10,008 people, the answer would be “YES!” My answer was always “YES!”, but I’d be thinking “no, No, PLEASE NOOOO!” People in the group would go off to part 2 courses and DSNs and come back with their head full of all these ill-conceived notions that they are superheroes and can do anything, and they’d have all these ambitions and plans for “growth of AoL in our city”. And being the only local teacher, inevitably, I would have to get involved in some way or other. Every course (even those that others wanted to plan or take) was truly a curse that brought more misery, and sucked me dry. AoL had become another full-time job, and the irony was that I myself, who needed most a “true vacation” (which at that time translated into a part 2 course) could not afford to take one due to lack of money or time. I lived in this sad state for years. My productivity at work declined, my relationships with friends and family became nearly non-existent, and AoL had taken over my life.

To help get me through those times, I had successfully learned the art of manipulation as an AoL teacher, and I’m ashamed to admit that I applied all the same tactics that were used to pull me into the organization to recruit others for courses and to encourage them to become teachers themselves. I held “free” events (such as weekly satsangs and “introductory workshops”) and used those as opportunities to sell courses to members in the group or members of the unsuspecting public; I’d always have students share their wonderful course experiences in front of the group to compel others to take courses, and I’d always share my own exaggerated “wonderful” and “awesome” experiences with the techniques or courses; I’d always recruit a number of “repeaters” in any part 1 course who were convinced of the value of the course to help to convince the newcomers of its value and keep the group together; I’d praise those in the group who would make “good” teachers on their skillful delivery of “the knowledge” and encourage them to become teachers themselves. The list could go on and on. Needless to say, the sum total of all these subtle manipulations were used successfully to convince myself and others to further ravi shankar’s pursuit of money, power, and god knows what else.

I recognize that at every juncture I had a choice. No one twisted my arm, and I was never forced to do anything for AoL. But it is in my nature to be agreeable, to want to do the “right thing”, to have a positive impact on those around me, to practice what I preach, to follow through with my commitments, and to take full responsibility for the impact of my words and actions on others. Normally, in real life, having these qualities might be regarded as a positive thing. But in the twisted world of AoL, they make one vulnerable the subtle manipulations, and were the very qualities that kept me slaving for the organization for many years. It was the initial realizations that many of the teachers are hypocrites, that the “trauma relief efforts” are a sham, and that sk, the “gem” of the part 1 course, is downright harmful, that helped me to see aol and rs for the fraud they truly are. And reading all of the experiences and insights that have been graciously posted on this forum have helped me to understand many of the other things that went on in the org. that seemed “not quite right”.

I have been free from AoL for several months now, and with the AoL curse behind me, I have never felt more alive, more invigorated, or more full of honest-to-god joy (not the fake-it-till-you-make-it kind)!

My days as a door-keeper of the holy room

BY ROARING WOLF

This is the first time I break ”my silence” as a former insider and now ex-cult member of Art of Living. I spent 13 years whole-heartedly supporting the AOL, the then foundry of my life. I was a teacher for seven years, a full-timer four of them. Sri Sri Ravi Shankar was my Guru whose words I put before anyone else’s – even my closest family.

I have witnessed and experienced many of the incidents described in this blog. I have the same wish as the other collaborators to shed some light about the dark side of the organization. We all somehow know how criticizing SSRS in particular is a big no-no, especially as an insider, and how critical thinking around the movement is banned and justified with statements such as, ”You have low energy level. Do more breathing exercises” or ”be more in the knowledge and listen to Ashtavakra Gita” (SSRS´ comments on the Hindu text by the same name).

I was very close to SSRS and had fairly easy access to his room. He called me by name, I had his personal mobile number I could call whenever and I back-massaged him - dressed - in his room many times. The latter was for me not connected with any sexual energies but with a feeling of honor and extreme privilege.

I often played the role of doorman or door-blocker to his meeting room - a place where many people wanted to get in even without a real important agenda. People just wanted to “hang out”.

I remember one of the first times with this ”extremely important” job, realizing the complex and un-written rules that go with such a position:

1) Only a specific segment of people have free access to SSRS´ room: those with lots of money, media-influence, political influence or opinion makers such as actors and other public figures. This lets you right in because such a person could be used as a means to expand SSRS’s agenda.

2) Male senior German, Dutch, Indian and Swiss teachers also go right in.

3) Ordinary people with no titles or special influential powers stand very small chances for personal meetings.

Being the door-keeper was an akward situation to be in. You have to tell a lot of people SSRS is very busy and that they can´t come in. Though it is sometimes true, he often is just sitting on his couch watching CNN and/or not doing much besides chit-chatting with the ”lucky” one inside. Often people inside just sit on the floor – at his feet!! – and stare at him and carefully laugh at every one of his silly jokes or at any of his ”charming and playful” gestures. If an outsider (non-cult member) took a look inside, he would not understand what was so interesting – actually, nothing! So called ”devotees” believe they sit in the presence of the embodiment of God, a rather big deal for them.

Spending a lot of time ”inside” the room, both as a door-keeper or as a hang-out, it often struck me how bold and rude SSRS would comment about people who were not in the room (not a behavior you would expect from a dispassionate avatar-Guru!). I have often seen him making fun of people by ridiculing them in front of the crowd inside. Comments such as, ”She has such an artificial laughter – something is not quite right with her” or ”I think she/he is a blue-star” (a Sri Sri word for someone who is not right in the head).

Once he did not feel like going the ART Excel perfomance the kids had prepared for him. He said, ”It is such a poor performance”. I once overheard a phone-conversation he had with a full-time teacher who was upset and crying. When he hang up, he told the rest of us that because this person was not well because had been made teacher too young.

One of his most senior teachers of Germany, a very nice guy I happened to teach with and spent a lot of quality time with, decided to leave the movement after realizing that following ethical and, especially legal guidelines for organizational leadership was NOT vital to SSRS. The teacher sent a farewell letter explaining the motivation behind his decision. I happened to be in the room with SSRS and a group of people shortly after the teacher’s official departure was in effect. SSRS´ comment was pretty much like this, ”He is free to leave the organization. He anyway never did anything to promote my work!”

Even a hard-headed and true-believer myself then, I felt it was an unnecessary and insensitive thing to say. I never understood why SSRS, in his position as a leader, would ridicule anyone in front of others in that manner. I seems too far from the standards one expects from a Guru of compassion and, furthermore, truly very unprofessional.

The above experiences are just a few I had over the years and though I had a good time during my first years with the AoL, I soon started seeing how things really work behind the scenes. It is fair to say that these insights were the beginning of the end to me.

The joy of sects according to The Simpsons

Take a break to watch this episode of The Simpsons. Good laugh guaranteed, though a tragic comedy for many of us who recognize many scenes, reactions, phrases, thought processes as our very own for as long as we belonged to the AoL - the joy of sect, with the Guru of joy who promised joy forever as long as you faked it until you made it.

See how many things you recognize. I will start the list:

it's free, the leader, low protein diet, blisstonia, "bhajans", nanananananana leader!, the circle of judgement, "I am dustier!", etc.

http://www.megavideo.com/?v=OQ5UKME8
(click it twice)

ENJOY

Thank you note

BY KLIM
Evidently, the last article: “The 3 letter unspoken word: sex” stirred some wild emotions, as it did to me every time I heard someone go through yet another similar situation. It took me almost 10 years to come to terms with it (I know people who left because of it), as it took me even more years to come to terms with many of the deceits and fraud I today recognize about the AoL and SSRS, which were obvious to friends and family. I don’t blame the AoLers who write in full blast aggression, possessed by anger and sometimes even too off centered to express themselves coherently. I don’t know what it does to you, but it does a lot of service to me by confirming the right decision I made of leaving the organization and RS. It helps me further confirm that the teachings of RS only create a hyper hysteria, fanaticism focused only in building his name, organization, numbers, fame and popularity, and it takes the individual nowhere in the spiritual growth, but only builds ego/narcissism, delusion, fanaticism. Practicing a breathing technique that actually induces hyperventilation and which he did not create himself as he claims, or a meditation that is an imitation of someone else’s that went wrong and whom he criticizes constantly, or delivering repetitive topics that are cleverly entitled, “Ashtavakra, Bhakti Sutras, Patanjalis”, naming the Yoga Vasistha, repeating like parrots: “opposite values are complimentary, accept people as they are, don’t see intentions behind people’s mistakes, don’t be a football of other’s opinions, the present moment is inevitable” are not an indication of spirituality nor evolution nor “goodness.” Spirituality is more than just reciting, reading scriptures, doing some technique. Spirituality is not about the activities one does, who one follows, what one eats.

Following is a comment the blog received, obviously posted under the wrong link. The person is comprehensively mad. But I understand because I, too, used to get out of myself whenever I heard “my guru” and “my organization” criticized. However, with the years, I also learned that I got mad when it was about things I actually was not sure about, that I myself, deep inside, doubted, or actually, because it simply hurt my true-believer-ego. Evidently, Mr. Ravishankar, the quality of your teachers and your teachings need to be improved because, sadly, your disciples cannot remain centered with that smile you insist they should have, not “living the knowledge”, like you’d diplomatically insist, “Come what may, keep your smile.” Don’t you say AoL offers the knowledge that makes one unshakeable? I am sure this kind of reaction does not make you happy either:

ronith has left a new comment on your post "Additional links":

u have no proof of all the bull u write show us some proof abouct all the bull u write even i can open a stupid blog like urs and write bull like u without any proof atleast i am not mindless like u and if u think u r so smart y cant u reveal ur identity show us some proof u publicity hogger

There was a time this kind of comment/people affected me. The aggression and psychosis within the organization greatly disturbed me even when I was a “true believer”. Today, even with all the bashing provoked by the sex subject, it only makes me laugh and feel at peace with my decision of leaving the AoL and further confirms what a sick community it is and what a poor education we got from “the holiness.”

Maybe AoLers reading this kind of comment rejoice and cheer it like men watching a football game – notorious behavior of highly spiritual people following a highly enlightened master.

Maybe some AoLers reading this kind of comment feel quietly embarrassed that one of their fellow peers can express himself in such way and is indeed a bad representation of the movement, teachings, guru.

Maybe those who are not AoLers but have done a course, relate to it and applaud it, and maybe some take it as an indication of what AoL really is not about and see the holes of the organization and teachings before further going into it and getting sucked by “the black hole”, like it happened to me and many others.

Maybe some former AoLers reading this kind of comment, feel the same effect it has for me, reassuring the decision of leaving and the relief of no longer belonging to that madness. Maybe some prefer that I don’t write about any of this. I know some prefer to leave it for “fate and karma to take care” and some are afraid of the bad things Ravishankar can do to people because they themselves have experienced them (myself included) - reasons why so many old timers and former teachers have not come forward a lot earlier.

Whatever it is, whoever it is, thank you. Thank you to you all who, nicely and violently, help me in my journey of recovery. Thank to the comments of aggressive AoLers - if I had any doubts left about SSRS, there no longer are any. If I had any fears left of him/them/you, because of the retaliation, threats, harassments, lies I experienced during and post AoL, I no longer have any. Little did I know how healing this blog and all the nasty comments would be for me (hopefully for others too). Thank you again to former members and to current members, even those who curse, insult, threat, etc. KLIM & co. You have made me stronger. You have set me free.

Will wrapping up with an “I belong to you” make anyone puke? Better not, no?

A sincere heart-felt thank you.

Once upon a cult

Recovering from spiritual abuse is an endless, intimate, lonely process few people comprehend. Sexual abuse and domestic violence are today recognized in most societies (unfortunately not all) as crimes, and victims of it qualify for proper justice and counseling. Society sympathizes with them and offers help in countless ways, although probably not enough yet. On the other hand, being a victim of spiritual or cult abuse is still not as acceptable and an unspoken subject accompanied by shame and misunderstandings. Out loud coming out as a victim of cult/spiritual abuse may place one in a vulnerable situation, even ridiculed or exposed to more bullying. One is blamed for having joined or questioned on the veracity of ones experiences. Of course, they are the big organization with the big names, the holy persona and thousands of followers. I am just a nobody who was “rejected or dejected” (as someone put earlier). Why believe me? I must be bluffing, resentful, seeking revenge. Otherwise, “something is obviously wrong with you, to begin with, for having joined a cult”, and “you are ‘stupid’ for not having left earlier”, “you are responsible.”

Maybe people can’t relate with spiritual abuse because it is more abstract, subtle and mainly because there is a general concept about spiritual masters: they are holy benevolent beings, and because there is a tendency to believe one is always in control of everything (“should be”). People don’t understand the extent and the depth of the manipulations and damages of spiritual abuse, specially under the leadership of one who claims “the way”, the lonely pain one carries silently for a long time and how difficult it is to cope with it everyday, how being a victim of a cult leader is not different from being a victim of Stockholm syndrome, rape or domestic violence. People sympathize with Jaycee Dugard but they question me. I was spiritually raped and abducted but I could/should have walked out. I could/should have as much a Jaycee Dugard could/should have.

Recovery did not start the minute I left the organization. Recovery started the day I was able to face the truth and admit to myself I had belonged to a cult, that I had participated in a big lie and brought many to it, that I had been abused and also been abusive, that SSRS was a cult leader and not a spiritual one. Unfortunately that happened long after I officially left. I fed my dissonance for a long time after instead. It is what I had perceived as truth for so many years and the contrary was too hurtful and challenging to unknot. I was betrayed by friends, students, my guru, but mainly, I betrayed myself for not listening to myself, not seeing the truth earlier and for allowing the abuses. Maybe I will understand many years later why it all happened, maybe one day I may even be grateful for it too. Maybe, maybe not.

I find the biggest challenge former members face is recognizing SSRS is not what we thought he was or that his love for us is not unconditional, as he claimed, that the Sudarshan Kriya is a hoax, that we were used to feed someone’s narcissistic ambitions. I’ve heard people who have been abused defend him in the most dissonant manners. They blame the board, some senior teacher, they even claim he did it out of love, etc. They somehow see SSRS as a victim himself when underneath it all, they are most likely protecting themselves. Let me just ask, “What kind of parent would abuse you in the name of love?” (In the world we identify them as pedophiles and sick). Who do you think is behind the board, the senior teachers, the situations? You really think things happen without his consent and knowledge?” SSRS is about the greatest control freak I know! I remember the time I told him I found an article bad for his name because it stated everything in the Art of Living revolved and depended on him. He mockingly asserted, “Of course that is how it should be! I am behind it all! Without me nothing exists! You still don’t know?!” (A little too narcissistic perhaps?) This is the naivite that goes on. I also defended him so many years when the truth was evident to those watching outside.

I realized about myself that the extent I needed to lie to myself about SSRS was the extent of my own immaturity. Psychologically, children move to the next level of maturity when they realize Santa does not exist. I believe the same happens with ex-devotees when we consider the possibility the guru is a fraud. Eventually, admitting he is, is the ultimate painful act, thus some choose to keep the Stockholm syndrome. As the saying goes, “ignorance is bliss.”

I stopped consuming sudarshan kriya, meditation, chanting, anything that reminds me of the routines I followed for so many years, that killed more than 100 of my brain cells, and repressed my rights of freedom of thought and critical thinking. Uninstalling all the guru softwares, allowing the real me to flourish again, being truthful is my current sadhana. The meaning of “sadhana”, now finally makes sense: spiritual practice done for higher aims.

I was once member of a cult. I say it with shame, humility, respect and responsibility. But above all, with pride I finally am truthful to myself.

Is spirituality not democratic after all?

BY KLIM

Ah!!! I am actually getting tired of responding to AoLers writing to this blog, even those who fake they are not. What the heck! I left their organization to, years later, engage with them online? OK, a risk I took the minute I started this blog, but geez, they don’t even have such good reading comprehension skills because they are so emotional when reading they immediately jump to conclusions and/or are too anxious to make a point, ready to militate for Ravi any minute. Geez! With all due respect, reacting like men who were just told they have small tiny weenie penises! Excuse me. I did not say anything about anyone’s penis so please chill! And anyway, let’s respect each other’s size, shape and preferences! Is spirituality after all not democratic?! Do we all need to believe AoL is the biggest most amazing NGO in the world? (It is not! Check statistics. The AoL cannot even detail how many active teachers it has and how many teachers it has made! AoL cannot even give specific numbers of how many people did the course in each city, country and year! I was one of you when we tried to collect this data and we were not able to because we were lousy and disorganized as an institution, and because, unfortunately, that is the price for working with volunteers, some less prepared than others, and many, without any real professional experience). Do we all need to believe Ravi is the greatest man on earth, holy, the one and only, and the best? Do we all need to believe everything the AoL and SSRS claim as true? If thinking differently to you makes us stupid, then let us be! At least, stupid, free and happy. Let spirituality be democratic! The soul is, after all, FREE!

Neither AoL nor SSRS nor his devotees should feel threatened, shaken or offended by different opinions – I call them “different”, they call them “negative” … interesting. Good education is based on diversified information, not on unilateral, manipulated, censored information. One should decide if something is good based on all reviews: good and bad. Something is not necessarily good if it only has good reviews. On the contrary, it gives room to suspicion. In a world governed by minds like those of fanatic AoL followers and SSRS the system would be non-democratic, totalitarian, despot. If that makes you feel more comfortable, please practice it within your divine community but don't push it on others. I and many others, greatly appreciate democracy, freedom of speech, freedom for religious beliefs, transparency, wholesome education. For the love of these, I chose to leave.

I also don’t understand, when I was a devotee – truly devoted, by the way – I never ever thought of reading anything “negative” about “my guru” or “the best organization in the world”. First of all, I never thought anyone doubted we were the best. In fact, I was shocked to find out, years after I left, there were people and sources out there with “negative” observations and experiences! Second, I did not consider other opinions valid. My family, friends, etc. thought I had lost it. I was even told straight in my face I was in a cult yet I stood strong to my convictions. Needless to mention, I never thought of attacking someone who felt differently or tried to convince them they were wrong, belittle or dare them. I only kept bringing people to the course. Even then, I believed everyone is entitled to his/her own opinion. How are you then practicing the knowledge “don’t make the mistake of going against the mistake” (Ashtavakra Gita)? Cause I am out, you are in, shouldn't you be "in the knowledge"?

SSRS speaks about the joining of all religions, breaking differences, but actions such as these of his devotees writing to the blog (and to many other links that present different opinions) or himself assigning people to check on “negative press” only reflect the contrary, and are a sign of little or no true spirituality, hidden insecurities, cry babies, and overboard narcissism. Should those who think differently, those who may appear to think “against them” (I prefer, “not in favor of”, or “not similarly”) be attacked, questioned, “dared”, threatened … eliminated? (a common AoL in-house practice after all).

Fortunately, I had many many years of training under this kind of despotic rule and tyrant thinking, and, unfortunately, I am not unfamiliar with the AoL kind of hostility towards difference in opinion. For heaven’s sake, keep conquering the world but let people enjoy democratic spirituality!!!

Is spirituality not democratic after all?

Walk like a king and be a perfect doormat

BY KLIM

I was young when I joined the organization. I was vulnerable, full of hopes, naïve, gullible, enthusiastic, influentiable, impressionable. I had that adolescent arrogance that made me believe we could change the world. My psyque was probably not even strongly developed yet. I believed in helping others, wished for a better world and loved knowledge. I was the perfect target.

My family was all along against me being part of the organization, and worse, giving my life to it. SSRS said to me once, “Have compassion for them, pray for them”, as if they were loosers who missed out the chance of being on the path. AoL adults would then remind me how lucky I was for serving a guru at such a young age (though curiously, they would not encourage their own children to follow my steps). Thus, I disregarded every warning my family gave me because they were "not in the knowledge". Instead, I listened to the guru and my fellow senior teachers/friends.

Even when I write this, I laugh at myself. I actually listened to “adults” who obviously have serious psychological problems and who, in different ways and reasons, stopped growing at some early point in life because of some dysfunctional story, or fled from “the world”, relying on spirituality as an ego booster. Time passing by is not an indication one grows. I have met 40 year olds going into 14 and 65 year olds going into 17. I once looked up to those people and thought that, as my seniors, in age and spiritual experience, they knew better. The fool leading the fool.

Few years after joining the organization, I lived enough unethical situations that affected me personally and made me want to leave. I struggled with the devotion and commitment I felt for him, and the respect and conviction I had for my values. Senior teachers would then corner me with the “should and should not” script.

Basically, it was all just a sign of low prana, lack of faith we all go through, to make us strong, get rid of our egos. “The path is only for the brave ones”, “the amount of doubt you have equals the amount of faith you have, so when you have doubts, realize how much faith you have”. If I was angry, I should not be angry, “anger is not good for you, observe the sensation, sit for hollow and empties, bow down, surrender to the Guru, chant.” If I thought SSRS did something wrong, “he is doing it for your growth, he is a satguru, he is showing you the way by creating that situation, he wants the best for you, he is taking you to the next step.” If I wanted to say anything about it, “you are being vindictive, observe your violence.”

One could never win nor validate oneself. The one abused was turned into the aggressor. Therefore, what was extended and deepened instead was the condition for abuse until one finally regarded it as normal, acceptable, spiritual. SSRS talked about surrender but he really wanted us to succumb.

I can almost hear my basic course teacher if she found out about this blog: “revenge is not good.” Revenge is so not part of my personality and not at all the goal of this blog. And if I was once angry, so what? It is part of the process of recovery and healing. I am real: bones and flesh real. She is also a victim of abuse and has made abuse into something spiritual. Realizing the contrary would be too much to handle. Actually, recognizing and admitting one belonged to a cult is a big load that comes with shame and appears to disqualify everything one did for so long.

If I had the chance to talk with her today, I’d tell her how much she helped me, and how much she deeply screwed me. Sadly, I see that everything she did was for herself. She actually hid in the spiritual path to feel superior, to hide her feelings of insecurity, failures and inadequacy. As long as she had someone to save, she was somebody. She had the best of all intentions but could not see she was blind. Someone who had removed herself from the world for so many decades and who has difficulties surviving without belonging to a "spiritual cult", was a senior teacher who trained and led young people. All her advises only prepared us for more abuse. She taught me that if I was slapped, I should be grateful. Though I see the beauty of that knowledge I am sure it does not mean, “Walk like a king and be a perfect doormat" (as in Ravishankar's "Walk like a king and be a perfect servant").

Loving oneself, learning to respect oneself, learning to stand up for oneself and be respected are crucial in growing up strong and healthy (You see, my basic course teacher and some swami would say that was my ego speaking).

I know my teacher meant well. Today I recon she is emotionally, psychologically and spiritually crippled. She influenced many young people like me. We all looked up to her. More than one felt guilty about something after being with her because she had so many concepts, shoulds and should nots.

Being in a spiritual path does not make one better than others nor does it mean one truly works on oneself. One thing I know about AoL is noone really works on him/herself. We thought we did. The spiritual arrogance one acquires is such that AoLers believe doing kriya and kissing the guru’s feet automatically puts one above everyone and everything else.

I am today allergic to any unsolicited advise, specially in a condescending way. Often people in spiritual paths have the bad habit of thinking they know better. They think they know what advise you need, what you are really feeling that you are not aware of, what you still have not done. The obnoxious “I know for your better good.” Needless to mention, often the advises go around the leitmotif “be forgiving, be compassionate, do not be angry, let go, move on, etc.” Whereas there is truth in it, one cannot deny the abuse and the array of feelings that come with it. Imagine what a rape victim would feel if you tell him/her right after the attack, “forgive, be compassionate, don’t be angry, it was your karma, you must have done something bad some other life time, let go.” Just imagine!

I do not need to do anything but feel what I feel and be myself. That is the only thing I must do. Being angry is just as part of life as anything else. It does not make me worse. It is what it is at that moment and time takes care of it. After all, aren’t opposite values complimentary? Suppressing negative emotions is the emptiest spiritual mood making I know that turns people into arrogant robots. Being in a spiritual path does not mean you don’t feel negative emotions anymore. A spiritual education should teach you negative emotions are part of life and how to handle them, not that you should not feel them, or that feeling them is not OK, or that by meditating you will never have them again.

I also once oscillated from being a victim of abuse to being an abusive arrogant robot in the name of spirituality. Sadly, in AoL we thought spirituality was enrolling people to the course, creating devotion in people for SSRS and faking a smile at all times – “fake it until you make it.” Meditating, breathing, having a guru, chanting mantras, doing yoga, being vegetarian, doing “seva” are not signs of spirituality. Spirituality is not about the activities you do but about how you act and where the action stems from. Spirituality is not about not feeling any negative emotions. Spirituality is not in the shoulds and should nots, it is about how real you are to yourself, in life and to the world.

I dropped the habit of telling anyone what and how they should feel and do, or thinking I know what the other feels and should do. More importantly, I also dropped the habit of telling myself what I should or should not. Where there is a “should”, I learned, I lose my authenticity and my freedom.

I no longer want to be a doormat.

On DSN, by an anonymous

The following is a comment sent to the article "The Art of Acting and the Art of Marketing" by an anonymous. I found it important to post since for too many of us, many processes that happened in DSN and TTC still create noise in our heads. We knew but we could not question, we thought but we could not think differently, we felt but we could not feel ... Something was wrong with those courses, with those teachers ... with us! We were abused the entire day and were dancing at night in satsang with a big smile on our faces at night! We hated every minute of everything, but we went along because it was part of the course (not going along with it was a sign of weakness and big ego). We often thought the teacher did not make sense and was an insensitive arrogant, yet, we were all at his/her feet every day. A lot of abuse went on in these courses. Being in the "hot chair", etc. was all for your good, to get rid of your ego, when we were actually creating monsters in the name of spirituality. Anon, thank you for sharing.

I'd like to talk about my experiences at one of these DSN courses (as an attendee) this was probably 9-10 years ago and as a faithful AOL devout; this course opened my eyes into what a cult it had become. The teacher was charismatic and we all were awed by his presence. As he went on, he said a few things that made me realize that this is bordering on a cult. DSN's premise was you could take any criticisms in life after attending this course - this was based on making a person sit on a chair and have the rest of the course attendees hurl insults at you (granted they don't even know you but still).
I heard a story where a pregnant woman had a miscarriage because of domestic abuse by her husband (he kicked the newborn fetus) and she later took this course only to have someone from the class yell at her that she deserved it (the abuse, miscarriage).
My experiences weren't that horrific but they were enough to make me change tunes.
Some of the things that were done and said:
1. The teacher told an example of how one of his apprentices was being constantly pushed by his mother to get married and he responded by taking a bottle of rat poison and keeping it infront of his mother as an act of defiance - saying that if she asked him one more time to get married, he would make her drink it.
2. SSRS is God/Lord/Almighty and there is no one else.
3. The teacher lamented how the bangalore ashram at the time lacked a solar water heater and how it would be a good 'gift' to Guruji. Sure enough the next day, the class managed to get out their checkbooks and raised a princely sum of 300,00 rupees which at the time was a lot of money. I had this horrible feeling where i was sort of being pressurized to come up with a contribution and yet I came up with nothing - a very different kind of feeling to experience.
4. As part of the course, we were made to walk the streets and peddle AOL and get a lot of people to join up/ sign up so that you as an individual would fulfill your destiny. You were then mocked when you came up with nothing
5.they hurled abuses at a woman whose only sin was that her husband would not partake or support her in her AOL activities.
In the end, I lost total respect for the teacher whom I have known for a while. There's a thin line between preaching and forcing your views on someone and he crossed that line - making us believe that it is okay to forsake your own family for the greater good of AOL and that was something I could never stomach doing.
I wish I had the temerity I possess now and had done something back then. I guess that also comes with age 9-10 years is a longtime.
Good job with the blog. I have come to realize that one's own family means the most and wasting your time, money and energy on such a greedy cut-throat organization is bordering on being a cult follower/ retarded.