The Elephant and the Fly - a Final Note

by KLIM 

Here I am, writing in the blog again, a little rusty, a little too distant from my Art of Living days. Somehow forced by the AoL/Ravi Shankar to do what they wanted to have me punished for: writing.

As many of you know, several months after I said good-bye to "Leaving the Art of Living - Confessions of a Guruholic" and its activities, Skywalker and I received a subpoena. AoL wanted to have our identities disclosed to sue us for defamation, trade libel, copyright infringement, publishing “trade secrets”.

Thanks to the brilliant work and tireless dedication of our attorney, Joshua Koltun, we won against defamation, trade libel, copyright infringement and created a precedent in US law by refusing to require the disclosure of our identities. In fact, the Court ruled that the case against Skywalker could even proceed to trial without Skywalker having to disclose his identity. And the case against me was dismissed completely.

If we had gone to trial (which we were willing to), they faced the risk of losing and making their manuals and Sudarshan Kriya notes public. So they agreed to settle the case, and we agreed because the proposed settlement did not require any compromise on our part. We are not required to pay anything, or to compromise our rights of free speech.

Clearly, the risk that the manuals and Sudarshan Kriya notes might be deemed to be without any legal protection meant the risk of losing clients and income (no doubt, their main motivation behind the law suit) as they would then lose control over everything they claim work only under the grace of the guru, and by allowing people see the extent of magical thinking and irresponsibility behind their teachings.

I have no doubt Ravishankar will most likely present this as a, “I forgave them. Karma will take care.” Well, I am glad a good lawyer and a lucid justice system took care instead!

I consider this a victory not only in Court, but also, a tribute to freedom of speech, and, above all, vindication for victims of cult abuse!

They did not manage to censor us and have our blogs removed from the internet. I have to do what I  already had done two years ago: freeze the blog (contrary to their psychic interpretations, I was no longer active in the blog world, or interested in discussing AoL), and Skywalker has agreed to do what he was planning to do anyway: freeze his! (see what he has to say). Moreover, they did not manage to have us censored either for the rest of our lives nor anyone else out there. In fact, check out Obi-Wan's blog, “Life Beyond the Art of Living” (you can post your comments on this note there). And they will kindly pay our attorney’s fees (and theirs!). All right, and we publish a joint declaration!

Only hard core true-believers will keep believing his/their nonsense arguments. No one otherwise will be able to deny the rulings of the US court: “dismissed with prejudice”. (Wikipedia: “If the case ends with prejudice, the effect on the defendant (for the purpose of punishment) is the equivalent to a finding of not guilty and they cannot be retried.”).

Once, at a Guru Purnima, Ravi criticized Maharishi Mahesh Yogi, his guru, for using fear to control his people. According to him, that was Maharishi’s way to prevent people from joining him in the Art of Living (similar, perhaps, to what he tried to do with the blogs, together with countless lies and vicious random attacks based on futile suspicions?).

“You can lead through love or fear. Love is more powerful”, he said, implying he was doing that. Well, maybe that is why he did not get what he wanted in court. He tried everything except love! Fear, falsely defaming anyone he could, threatening, harassing, and again, fear and more fear. Imagine that at the very very end, in a desperate attempt, they even tried to file a lawsuit against another former teacher too! And again, dismissed with prejudice! Skywalker, Klim, AND the ex teacher!

What they could not understand was this was a matter of principles and that no one in the world fears him/them. In the world, at first glance, AoL comes out as a religious cult and, Sri Sri Ravishankar, regardless of all the prizes and titles they try to collect to build his senseless sense of grandiosity, a charlatan. In fact, we were willing to sacrifice for freedom of speech, for exposing cult abuse and for making people question if Art of Living is one.

Though having a legal battle was cumbersome, I do not regret at all having started the blog. It all only further convinced me I had done the right thing. Someone had to take the first step. And thanks to Skywalker (and many other Does), the “tradition” continues! However, I am excited to finally be Art of Living free. I had started the blog for that reason. I am finally there! I wish the same to everyone who left and to those who are still stuck in it. And to those who cannot decide or fear not “making” it without it/him, do not doubt a bit! There is life out here and a much better one too!!! READ! Read as much as you can! (there are other sites that present the other side of AoL/RS!). QUESTION! Question as much as you can! You are free to do so and it won't hurt anyone's prana! TRUST! Trust your intuition! Trust your gut feeling! Trust yourself! DARE! Dare to be happy! Dare to be free! RUN! "Run Forrest! Run!" :)

Healing is not easy. It takes time. I still am, for example, struggling to overcome health problems induced by the practice of SK and the psychological abuse. However, despite the threats, the difficulties and the pain I endured these years, I only have but immense gratitude for having had the courage to leave, stay away, and face my mistakes and weaknesses. Gratitude to my family, the many friends and professionals who accompanied me throughout the process.

People have continued reading this blog and sending comments. I take this opportunity to apologize to all those whose comments did not get posted. I checked out for real June 4, 2010. I took this chance to re read many posts and comments. My heartfelt thank you to so many beautiful, inspiring, sincere comments, readers and fellow colleagues! You helped me too in my healing process! If inspired, who knows, one day, I will write again, and I hope you will be there too.

There will always be scars but the wounds are healed. I will always ask myself how and why I joined a cult, and remind myself of my vulnerabilities and mistakes. This will prevent me from falling prey again of such situations and characters, and remember to remain humble. I have, since then, lost ingenuity, the narcissistic need of “saving" someone and/or the world, the low self-esteem of handing my power to someone else. Most importantly, I can sniff scams from far away!

One day, “art of living” will only be a whisper I won’t even hear. I have concluded, there is only one guru: oneself. Only one path: one’s life. Only one cause: one’s own.

... I can almost hear him say in his quirky voice, “and the elephant did not even know there was a fly on his leg!” Ah, Ravi Ravi, stop being a fly!!!!

Thank you ALL for your support. Infinite thanks to our lawyer, Joshua Koltun, the true "seva warrior"! I wish you all the best in a cult free life!

This was truly, at last, a real "victory to the big mind"! Consider it yours too!

“Good morning! And in case I don't see ya’, 
good afternoon, good evening, and good night!”  

(The Truman Show) 

You can find further information regarding this litigation in www.koltunattorney.com 
You can view the Joint Declaration here

Free Free Censored Censored by Sri Sri?

By Skywalker

the latest post on our ”ghostblog”, www.artoflivingfreefree.blogspot.com, was suddently edited recently, omitting the following RS quotes. In the interest of objectivity and fairness, we have decided to re-publish them. Really I find that they speak for themselves, and I fully understand why they were suddently deleted. This is the original Free Free post:

Tuesday, April 27, 2010
A Favor

I got a chance to talk to Sri Sri Ravi Shankar today. I mentioned to him that i had started this blog, basically to counter the stuff that some of those bilious minds seem to come up with about him. I told him how it could affect many people's opinions about Art of Living and him adversely, and what he said left me quite speechless.

He said, Oh let them write whatever they wish. As much bad things they want to write they are welcome to write. it's good.

Seeing the quizzical expression on my face, he smiled and continued. If there are any people who believe this and are going away, then they are weak minded people. People who want to deny the overwhelming evidence that is staring at them in their face, or who doubt their own experience and listen to some bunch of people criticizing us are being filtered away from us. and that is good!

We will be able to find out who is intelligent and who is strong. We should thank them. They are doing us a big favor.

What a different way of looking at things.

Later, I asked some others why Art of Living had not put up any official counters to this disgusting (at least to me, most of them seemed not to be bothered about it), they said in different ways, we are too busy.

Very few were concerned about it, but when i told them what Guruji had said to me earlier, they all brightened up and encouraged me to write more on this blog. Some of them even said they wanted to contribute.

One of them told me about an interview that Sri Sri had given sometime ago. He had been asked, Guruji can you predict the future? With a smile He had replied, wise men don't predict the future, they make it!

This volunteer told me i have much to do, to make the future, can't be bothered by Guruholic and co.

I asked another, what about Satyameva Jayate? That truth should prevail.
She smiled and said, in time, truth will always prevail.

J

OK, J, since you are an ardent reader of this blog, please answer the following questions (i will submit this post on the free free blog also, as a comment, just to make sure you read it). If you are left speechless, as seems to happen to you quite often, you may bring the questions to your Master, for him to answer.

”If there are any people who believe this and are going away, then they are weak minded people. People who want to deny the overwhelming evidence that is staring at them in their face, or who doubt their own experience and listen to some bunch of people criticizing us are being filtered away from us. And that is good! We will be able to find out who is intelligent and who is strong.”

Please show me the overwhelming evidence, staring me right in my face. Really, I am not being sarcastic! Finally RS comes to the level of sound arguments and reason, instead of asking everyone to simply have faith. I will be most happy to study any evidence you may submit, arguing the claims that

1. RS is an enlightened being, with no self-interest

2. has the power to know people's past and future, as he claims (uups, then why does he need this blog ”to find out who is intelligent and strong”?)

3. has heightened awareness/supernatural powers, thus being able to predict/manifest the future

4. has any other siddhis or powers, like for instance these guys, who miraculously levitate (It's true, they actually fly through the air, watch the video! My rationalist point of view was shaken watching it... or not!)

5. ....Oh, I could go on, but what is the point?

Okay, please explain to me then, why RS wants to ”filter away” the ”weak minded”. Isn't the whole point of a guru to help the weak get stronger? Or could it be that what RS really intends is to filter away the strong minded, those who dare question and think for themselves? Does he feel threatened, maybe? It reminds me of a quote from one of Nick's posts:

"Joel Kramer describes in his book "The Guru Papers: Masks of Authoritarian Power" how cult leaders often show great love, compassion and tolerance, as long as their growing needs for personal ego gratification are met. As soon as the cult's popularity and growth starts to diminish, the cult leader will often react by weeding out the weak of faith, and strenghening his grip on the remaining members." (Nick)

Maybe the weak of faith are the strong of mind, intelligence and integrity?

”People (...) who doubt their own experience and listen to some bunch of people criticizing us are being filtered away from us. And that is good!

J, listen up: we are the ones who stopped doubting our own experience. That is why we left. We write now to the people with secret doubts, the ones who are in pain and who need a way out. When we share our pain and insight, our experiences in and our liberation from the cult and its leader, these people gain hope and inspiration. If you are happy in AOL, fine. If ever you should feel that nagging doubt about the integrity of your Master, you will probably find -like we did- that nowhere in the organisation are you allowed to openly express those doubts. Yes, you may criticize the organisation -it has become quite the fashion amongst senior teachers, to openly do that, as if they feel the need to demonstrate that the organisation is open and transparent enough to allow this. But who criticizes or questions the guru? Once you start doing that, you are weeded out.

Is doubt really just lack of prana? Or are doubts your own good judgement desperately trying to be heard, through the AOL mind conditioning? If doubt is lack of prana, how come so many people in the prana-enriched AOL community are having secret doubts? RS, if you are really only interested in the strong of faith, why do you threaten your remaining teachers, telling them "they will be eaten up by their own minds" if they leave AOL? Don't you know that fear makes you weaker, not stronger? Or is it all really about (your) power and (your) control, rather than about empowering and freeing people?

No wonder Sri Sri censors censors Free Free!

Let me share my painful story with the readers of this blog

(note: the author provided his full complete name. I removed it for his own safety)

All these years I have been looking for Anti AOL websites but did not come across any. Today when I googled again, your blog was the first on the list. I am so relieved and happy to know that after years of hiding under a shroud, the truth about AOL and Sri Sri is being made public.

Let me share my painful story with the readers of this blog, my name is xxx - was in AOL from 1997 - 2004. My wife did the course and then became a very dedicated volunteer with the local AOL centre, we were located in South East Asia. She persuaded me to take up the course and I did so to keep her happy. I must confess that I enjoyed the course though the kriya did not do anything fantastic for me. My wife started spending a lot of time away from home and our kid doing seva. The child was left with the maid most of the time. Visiting teachers stayed at our home, she used to spend time cooking, washing their clothes, taking them shopping and paying for their shopping. I was not too pleased but I felt that I should not stop her from doing seva.I hardly saw her when these visiting teacher stayed with us.

An advance course was organised and the teacher stayed at our place. My instinct told me that my wife was emotionally involved with this teacher but I brushed it aside. She was smitten with him, it was so obvious.

One afternoon I had to come back home and I found both of them in bed.

I cannot remember now what I did in my fit of anger. I divorced my wife, my child is in a bording school and I live a very lonely life.

I made it my life's mission to destroy AOL just like how it destroyed my loving home. I have sent emails to many AOLites all over the world regarding my story - I received emails threatening to hunt me down and destroy me asking me not to propagate lies about the teachers and AOL.

This blog is an answer to my prayers, I will forward this blog to everyone I know.

Let me assure readers of this blog who have doubts and who feel that all these are lies to undermine AOL, everything written here is the truth. The end is near for AOL,people are beginning to see the real nature and are avoiding it.People are reaching out to other gurus who are sincere, humble and have true knowledge about the Vedas and scriptures.

I have found solace in Ramdev Baba and Avdhoot Babaji

Please keep forwarding this blog to as many people as you can - we cannot be complacent and allow frauds to thrive on the spiritual needs of seekers.

Thank you note

BY KLIM
Evidently, the last article: “The 3 letter unspoken word: sex” stirred some wild emotions, as it did to me every time I heard someone go through yet another similar situation. It took me almost 10 years to come to terms with it (I know people who left because of it), as it took me even more years to come to terms with many of the deceits and fraud I today recognize about the AoL and SSRS, which were obvious to friends and family. I don’t blame the AoLers who write in full blast aggression, possessed by anger and sometimes even too off centered to express themselves coherently. I don’t know what it does to you, but it does a lot of service to me by confirming the right decision I made of leaving the organization and RS. It helps me further confirm that the teachings of RS only create a hyper hysteria, fanaticism focused only in building his name, organization, numbers, fame and popularity, and it takes the individual nowhere in the spiritual growth, but only builds ego/narcissism, delusion, fanaticism. Practicing a breathing technique that actually induces hyperventilation and which he did not create himself as he claims, or a meditation that is an imitation of someone else’s that went wrong and whom he criticizes constantly, or delivering repetitive topics that are cleverly entitled, “Ashtavakra, Bhakti Sutras, Patanjalis”, naming the Yoga Vasistha, repeating like parrots: “opposite values are complimentary, accept people as they are, don’t see intentions behind people’s mistakes, don’t be a football of other’s opinions, the present moment is inevitable” are not an indication of spirituality nor evolution nor “goodness.” Spirituality is more than just reciting, reading scriptures, doing some technique. Spirituality is not about the activities one does, who one follows, what one eats.

Following is a comment the blog received, obviously posted under the wrong link. The person is comprehensively mad. But I understand because I, too, used to get out of myself whenever I heard “my guru” and “my organization” criticized. However, with the years, I also learned that I got mad when it was about things I actually was not sure about, that I myself, deep inside, doubted, or actually, because it simply hurt my true-believer-ego. Evidently, Mr. Ravishankar, the quality of your teachers and your teachings need to be improved because, sadly, your disciples cannot remain centered with that smile you insist they should have, not “living the knowledge”, like you’d diplomatically insist, “Come what may, keep your smile.” Don’t you say AoL offers the knowledge that makes one unshakeable? I am sure this kind of reaction does not make you happy either:

ronith has left a new comment on your post "Additional links":

u have no proof of all the bull u write show us some proof abouct all the bull u write even i can open a stupid blog like urs and write bull like u without any proof atleast i am not mindless like u and if u think u r so smart y cant u reveal ur identity show us some proof u publicity hogger

There was a time this kind of comment/people affected me. The aggression and psychosis within the organization greatly disturbed me even when I was a “true believer”. Today, even with all the bashing provoked by the sex subject, it only makes me laugh and feel at peace with my decision of leaving the AoL and further confirms what a sick community it is and what a poor education we got from “the holiness.”

Maybe AoLers reading this kind of comment rejoice and cheer it like men watching a football game – notorious behavior of highly spiritual people following a highly enlightened master.

Maybe some AoLers reading this kind of comment feel quietly embarrassed that one of their fellow peers can express himself in such way and is indeed a bad representation of the movement, teachings, guru.

Maybe those who are not AoLers but have done a course, relate to it and applaud it, and maybe some take it as an indication of what AoL really is not about and see the holes of the organization and teachings before further going into it and getting sucked by “the black hole”, like it happened to me and many others.

Maybe some former AoLers reading this kind of comment, feel the same effect it has for me, reassuring the decision of leaving and the relief of no longer belonging to that madness. Maybe some prefer that I don’t write about any of this. I know some prefer to leave it for “fate and karma to take care” and some are afraid of the bad things Ravishankar can do to people because they themselves have experienced them (myself included) - reasons why so many old timers and former teachers have not come forward a lot earlier.

Whatever it is, whoever it is, thank you. Thank you to you all who, nicely and violently, help me in my journey of recovery. Thank to the comments of aggressive AoLers - if I had any doubts left about SSRS, there no longer are any. If I had any fears left of him/them/you, because of the retaliation, threats, harassments, lies I experienced during and post AoL, I no longer have any. Little did I know how healing this blog and all the nasty comments would be for me (hopefully for others too). Thank you again to former members and to current members, even those who curse, insult, threat, etc. KLIM & co. You have made me stronger. You have set me free.

Will wrapping up with an “I belong to you” make anyone puke? Better not, no?

A sincere heart-felt thank you.

Walk like a king and be a perfect doormat

BY KLIM

I was young when I joined the organization. I was vulnerable, full of hopes, naïve, gullible, enthusiastic, influentiable, impressionable. I had that adolescent arrogance that made me believe we could change the world. My psyque was probably not even strongly developed yet. I believed in helping others, wished for a better world and loved knowledge. I was the perfect target.

My family was all along against me being part of the organization, and worse, giving my life to it. SSRS said to me once, “Have compassion for them, pray for them”, as if they were loosers who missed out the chance of being on the path. AoL adults would then remind me how lucky I was for serving a guru at such a young age (though curiously, they would not encourage their own children to follow my steps). Thus, I disregarded every warning my family gave me because they were "not in the knowledge". Instead, I listened to the guru and my fellow senior teachers/friends.

Even when I write this, I laugh at myself. I actually listened to “adults” who obviously have serious psychological problems and who, in different ways and reasons, stopped growing at some early point in life because of some dysfunctional story, or fled from “the world”, relying on spirituality as an ego booster. Time passing by is not an indication one grows. I have met 40 year olds going into 14 and 65 year olds going into 17. I once looked up to those people and thought that, as my seniors, in age and spiritual experience, they knew better. The fool leading the fool.

Few years after joining the organization, I lived enough unethical situations that affected me personally and made me want to leave. I struggled with the devotion and commitment I felt for him, and the respect and conviction I had for my values. Senior teachers would then corner me with the “should and should not” script.

Basically, it was all just a sign of low prana, lack of faith we all go through, to make us strong, get rid of our egos. “The path is only for the brave ones”, “the amount of doubt you have equals the amount of faith you have, so when you have doubts, realize how much faith you have”. If I was angry, I should not be angry, “anger is not good for you, observe the sensation, sit for hollow and empties, bow down, surrender to the Guru, chant.” If I thought SSRS did something wrong, “he is doing it for your growth, he is a satguru, he is showing you the way by creating that situation, he wants the best for you, he is taking you to the next step.” If I wanted to say anything about it, “you are being vindictive, observe your violence.”

One could never win nor validate oneself. The one abused was turned into the aggressor. Therefore, what was extended and deepened instead was the condition for abuse until one finally regarded it as normal, acceptable, spiritual. SSRS talked about surrender but he really wanted us to succumb.

I can almost hear my basic course teacher if she found out about this blog: “revenge is not good.” Revenge is so not part of my personality and not at all the goal of this blog. And if I was once angry, so what? It is part of the process of recovery and healing. I am real: bones and flesh real. She is also a victim of abuse and has made abuse into something spiritual. Realizing the contrary would be too much to handle. Actually, recognizing and admitting one belonged to a cult is a big load that comes with shame and appears to disqualify everything one did for so long.

If I had the chance to talk with her today, I’d tell her how much she helped me, and how much she deeply screwed me. Sadly, I see that everything she did was for herself. She actually hid in the spiritual path to feel superior, to hide her feelings of insecurity, failures and inadequacy. As long as she had someone to save, she was somebody. She had the best of all intentions but could not see she was blind. Someone who had removed herself from the world for so many decades and who has difficulties surviving without belonging to a "spiritual cult", was a senior teacher who trained and led young people. All her advises only prepared us for more abuse. She taught me that if I was slapped, I should be grateful. Though I see the beauty of that knowledge I am sure it does not mean, “Walk like a king and be a perfect doormat" (as in Ravishankar's "Walk like a king and be a perfect servant").

Loving oneself, learning to respect oneself, learning to stand up for oneself and be respected are crucial in growing up strong and healthy (You see, my basic course teacher and some swami would say that was my ego speaking).

I know my teacher meant well. Today I recon she is emotionally, psychologically and spiritually crippled. She influenced many young people like me. We all looked up to her. More than one felt guilty about something after being with her because she had so many concepts, shoulds and should nots.

Being in a spiritual path does not make one better than others nor does it mean one truly works on oneself. One thing I know about AoL is noone really works on him/herself. We thought we did. The spiritual arrogance one acquires is such that AoLers believe doing kriya and kissing the guru’s feet automatically puts one above everyone and everything else.

I am today allergic to any unsolicited advise, specially in a condescending way. Often people in spiritual paths have the bad habit of thinking they know better. They think they know what advise you need, what you are really feeling that you are not aware of, what you still have not done. The obnoxious “I know for your better good.” Needless to mention, often the advises go around the leitmotif “be forgiving, be compassionate, do not be angry, let go, move on, etc.” Whereas there is truth in it, one cannot deny the abuse and the array of feelings that come with it. Imagine what a rape victim would feel if you tell him/her right after the attack, “forgive, be compassionate, don’t be angry, it was your karma, you must have done something bad some other life time, let go.” Just imagine!

I do not need to do anything but feel what I feel and be myself. That is the only thing I must do. Being angry is just as part of life as anything else. It does not make me worse. It is what it is at that moment and time takes care of it. After all, aren’t opposite values complimentary? Suppressing negative emotions is the emptiest spiritual mood making I know that turns people into arrogant robots. Being in a spiritual path does not mean you don’t feel negative emotions anymore. A spiritual education should teach you negative emotions are part of life and how to handle them, not that you should not feel them, or that feeling them is not OK, or that by meditating you will never have them again.

I also once oscillated from being a victim of abuse to being an abusive arrogant robot in the name of spirituality. Sadly, in AoL we thought spirituality was enrolling people to the course, creating devotion in people for SSRS and faking a smile at all times – “fake it until you make it.” Meditating, breathing, having a guru, chanting mantras, doing yoga, being vegetarian, doing “seva” are not signs of spirituality. Spirituality is not about the activities you do but about how you act and where the action stems from. Spirituality is not about not feeling any negative emotions. Spirituality is not in the shoulds and should nots, it is about how real you are to yourself, in life and to the world.

I dropped the habit of telling anyone what and how they should feel and do, or thinking I know what the other feels and should do. More importantly, I also dropped the habit of telling myself what I should or should not. Where there is a “should”, I learned, I lose my authenticity and my freedom.

I no longer want to be a doormat.

The blog: what, why, how, when

To be honest, I was caught by surprise when I learned Guruphiliac had quoted Confessions of a Guraholic, and then, even more surprised when I started to see the response coming in. I must confess I was overwhelmed and then paralyzed by fear realizing it had become public. I was instantly afraid of SSRS, knowing what he and company are capable of. I did not expect the blog would ever be caught by the public eye. In fact, I did not even think anyone would find it interesting or helpful. It was a personal exercise I owed to myself.

During my recovery process (which was excruciatingly long), writing helped a lot to organize my thoughts, ideas. It helped me see the events from a distance, understand, discriminate, evaluate, look inside, look outside, and mainly, demystify. Somehow, it was like speaking out a secret, and by doing so, removing the weight that it carried. There were so many things we were not allowed to speak or share, specially, as teachers.

When it was evident I could no longer stay in the movement, I thought I’d die, but then, staying was also death! I was cursed and threatened by the man I bowed down to, trusted, dedicated many years of my life and talents to. My last conversation with him created such deep damages in me it took several years before I could move around as a normal human being. In a world where whatever the Guru says is holy, even when you know he is not real, his words harm you in ways you cannot imagine. I spent most of my waking hours visiting doctors, going to treatments, feeling broken, at night hardly sleeping, falling asleep and waking up with traumatic flashbacks. I was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder, the ultimate joke.

And then, I was alone. Everyone I knew disappeared. Those who claimed to be my friends, my siblings, my family did not even send a “how are you” note. In fact, I was left without any money, home, help, and those devotees who saw through what I went through and knew it was wrong, were afraid of helping in fear of retaliation of the group, and worse, the Guru’s reaction.

The disappointment, the pain, the suffering … it was agonizing. Trying to reinvent my life when I had given my best to HIM, and then, going through the shame of recognizing my mistake: the big mistake of considering a sect SALVATION, a conman God, of giving my power to someone else, and even worse, of having brought so many thousands of people into this path of deceit. How was I to explain to all those students who trusted me and were now devotees who kiss his feet? The very same ones who turned their backs on me and even betrayed me? As the saying goes, “what does not kill you makes you strong.” It took a long time before I could slowly move in the world again.

When I passed the phase of anger, I allowed myself to read everything we were told not to. For ex. what ex devotees of other movements have to say, about sects, about mantras, etc. I recognized my stories and symptoms in those stories, and in the information, I started unveiling all the lies SSRS spreads with the help of the AoL armada. I was able to laugh out loud to all the BS I had bought and spread. I was guilty of my own naivete and stupidity! And also understood why he dissuaded us from reading!

Bottom line, I wrote wrote wrote wrote wrote and then one day I asked myself, “what will I do with all these texts?” Thus, came the decision of organizing them in a blog which I did not intent to share. Little did I imagine the role it’d play for many people! I always wondered why no ex AoLer had done something like that yet. Speaking with some colleagues, we shared fear and shame. Noone wanted to get their names “dirty”, it was already hard trying to reinsert in the world and find a job and new friends. Then there was fear of the group and the guru. For those of us who have been in the inner circles, we unfortunately know what they are capable of! The other half worked hard to keep their dissonance going as a way of survival (to recognize all the lies we went through is too much to swallow all at once, specially when you were so devoted!). All of this, in my opinion, says a lot about SSRS and the damages he does to people with his AoL.

Everything expressed are my experiences, my opinions. Opinions are subjective yet my experiences are what they are - first hand lived by an active member of the AoL who had access to a lot more than what SSRS probably wishes (and maybe that is why at the end he tried to buy my silence, though never paid because I did not accept his terms).

I am surprised to see the number of people writing with the same views, experiences, and contributing even more details and stories! Specially, the number of Indians! We were told AoL was the most respected thing in India! Till a few days ago, I thought I was the one “loser” who left and was not able to see his “light”, or endure the “test.” It would have been great to access information like this while I was in the AoL (if I had the guts to read it, of course). I wish many of my students found out about this blog, maybe doubt everything in it, but at least, that it makes noise in the back of their heads so that when shit starts kicking they understand SSRS is not God, he is not the person he claims to be and he is not helping the world, as he insists.

I still feel the need to protect my identity, many details, my life, for my safety and many of those involved. I have received threats and have been harassed even recently. I have learned first and foremost is my life, my peace, my health, my equanimity. People are free to agree or disagree. What matters is, I am healing, I am healed, and finally finding so much peace and joy within my self, my true self, not the one SSRS brain-washed me to adopt. “WHO ARE YOU” is the one piece of knowledge I took from the AoL and that I have been able to reveal to myself, after deleting all the Guru files. I gave myself this lesson, HE did not do or give me anything, nor cared, as some people would insist, “Oh, he did all the nasty so that you could have this epiphany.”

I do not intent to use this blog to accuse, but instead, to heal, to understand what I went through, to forgive, find peace. Through learning, understanding, questioning, we grow. Noone should ever be abused, not even in the name of knowledge and even less, of enlightenment and spiritual freedom! Spiritual search is a very noble need that should not be vulgarized nor raped.

On this note, if you have experiences to share, you can send your stories to klim1008@gmail.com. Writing helps and what you have to say helps us all.

A humble thank you.

He blesses, He curses, He threatens

The man who promised to love and take care of me unconditionally, for ever and ever, lifetimes even, cursed and threatened me when I decided to leave the organization.
I used humor to make it more bearable. I joked I was so special I was the only one ever to be threatened by him. To my relief, and sorrow, I later found out he had cursed and threatened others who decided to leave too. Perhaps the funniest one being he warned someone he’d take away all the merits of his seva if he left. There you go. Backstage scenes.

He cursed me warning me I would be utterly miserable in the world and would not be able to do anything in life. Everything I ever had was due to him. Without him I was nothing. He warned me of never speaking ill of him, otherwise, whatever I’d say would come back ten fold to me.

Of course, he did not say it with the big “Guru of Joy” smile he poses in his photographs. He shouted it erect, Zeus-like, with a big frown and evil look in his eyes, waving his long arm at me, pointing with his accusatory finger. I was so disenchanted by then, I calmly asked him, “Are you warning me or are you cursing me?”
For a long time I was embarrassed to speak out everything he told me during that dreadful conversation, in which he falsely accused me, lied about me, cursed me, destroyed my morale and self-esteem as much as possible. For a long time I was paralyzed by his words, taking them as mine, believing in them. For a long time I walked around in fear and shame.

It took me a long time to slowly share and seek for help and understand those were lies and manipulation. It took me a long time to remove Sri Sri from the seat I had placed him in. It took me a long time to realize he is just a brilliant but ordinary man, guided by insatiable ambitions of fame, wealth, power, a sociopath.

Sri Sri Ravishankar abused me, lied to me, lied about me and others, manipulated me and others, used me and others, threatened me and others, etc. These are facts I just wrote, thought and spoke, and nothing has happened to me. Nothing will happen to me. He used to say Maharishi used fear instead of love to hold his devotees. I am afraid Ravi has very little self-reflection.

It is interesting. If someone steals, we call that a “thief” and we report it to the police. There is nothing wrong with that. But if someone reports something wrong the Guru did, the one reporting is the criminal, the ignorant, low prana, will be stroke by thunder. The Guru abuses you for your evolution, because he loves you, because he cares, because he is moving you to the next level, because he is removing your karma, because he sees the big picture, because he is the big mind. I need to be forgiving, I need to see the big picture, I need to see beyond, I need to be grateful, I need to drop it, “accept people as they are, not see intentions behind people’s mistakes.”

Like a swami dared say to me once, “The fact you don’t want to accept anymore abuses is an indication of your lack of faith.”

First, he recognized there are abuses in the AoL. Second, he exposed one of the many mechanisms of manipulation of the AoL.

Stupid or relaxed? Part 2

Struggling with my practices many years, I approached Ravishankar in different occasions about it. “Something is wrong with my sadhana, something is wrong with my mantra, there is something wrong … I don’t feel good with my practices. I don’t feel good afterwards. I don’t feel good during the day. My head is not good. My health is not good.” I don’t forget his look of disbelief and surprise. He clearly did not know what to tell me. Finally, he gave me his famous, “Keep doing it. It will change. It is an astrological moment.” To which I replied, “You call 5 consecutive years an astrological moment?”

For a devotee, catching the Guru in a clueless moment is perhaps one of the scariest situations ever.

A year after leaving the AoL, I stopped doing the kriya, the pranayamas, everything. It was a tough to stop it. I was used to it. I had been convinced I needed them to be successful and happy in life. To my surprise, I have not lost my radiance. In fact, people tell me I look so bright and a lot better! I was caught by surprise when someone told me one day, “Wow, you always look so happy, you are always so happy, what is your secret?” I did not know what to say! I was not doing any practice nor seva nor following a guru nor reading scriptures nor chanting mantras, and yet, people noticed my joy, my radiance, my good spirit. I used to reply to a comment like that, “Oh! I meditate!” or “Oh! You should do this wonderful course!” Suddenly, that day I realized, that joy, that light, that everything, is mine and only mine.

I am slowly recovering my ability to have critical thinking, of discriminating, of concentrating, of enjoying other things and not feel bad about it, of having interests of my own.

When I hear people attend Part 2 to feel relaxed, I don’t know what to say. On the one hand, I know it is true they feel relaxed, but on the other, I know they feel relaxed because of all the brain washing processes they go through. Sri Sri claims Hollow and Empty “polishes the mind”, washes away the deep impressions. What I have noticed over the years is people come out of it brain dead, agreeing with whatever previously they disagreed with, thinking they are happily relaxed. In fact, he always pushed us to get everyone to the Part 2 courses, as many as possible! “Your job (as a teacher) does not end until they do a Part 2, and then repeat it many times.” Of course, once you did the Part 2, you were programmed.

“Tip of the nose … base of the spine … the whole region from naval to throat is hollow and empty.” While people twitched and suffered, until completely hypnotized, as if under the effects of a trance, their heads became “hollow and empty”, in colloquial terms, “air heads.” You could see people’s annoyance the first days, until subdued, they walked around like zombies. After very cathartic processes of death and birth, people were put in complete silence, sitting through 3 to 4 hollow and empty, long hours of listening to that trance-like voice, reprogrammed, and then, “you may say your first word.” It was bizarre to watch people go wild after being granted the first word, actually, given back their freedom. But, their brains, our minds, already were not the same. We thought we were “cleaner”, I now know we were, literally, mentally hijacked.

It was almost funny to hear people who had hated every single moment of the course, the meditations, suddenly speak words of admiration for the whole program, in tears. It was always difficult to decide whether their joy was due to everything that we had done in the course, or that the torture was finally over. Then, still, under the seduction of the trance, we were made to watch a video in which he insists we needed to bring more people to the course, be smart, do whatever it needs to bring them - that is your seva, that is the way for you to maintain the joy you are feeling, remain in the path, surrender to the Guru. Or else, the other video in which nothing but throwing candies happen (it was apparently John’s birthday), and he only says, “Bring all your problems to me, drop them here.” Approximately 10 minutes of Radhe Govind, bad singing, stupid dancing, bad filming, corny set up, followed by people (in the tape and in the course, stimulated by the sobbing of the tape) breaking down in catharsis, in tears, and voila, damage done.

End of program (end of the programming).

I know someone who still dissociates today, as if they were still in a Part 2 but in real life - his mind tilts, freezes, checks out, even several years after having left the organization. In fact, he does not remember anything that ever happened in these courses. And believe me, he’s done tens and tens of Part 2 and 3!

Stupid or relaxed? Part 1

A few years into the AoL, myself a teacher then, I started noticing my mind was not as clear and sharp as it used to be. It was as if a part of my brain was dead and the rest, slowly deteriorating. I had always been a brilliant A student, with perfect memory, excellent health. I was slowly noticing I had trouble eating, swallowing food, sleeping, suffering of massive hair loss, loosing my memory, incapable of following a debate. I had lost critical thinking and the ability to discriminate or make decisions on my own without the need to ask Ravishankar first for blessings or approval. For the AoL, the intellect was my greatest enemy, thus, whatever I described as “losses” were seen as my “spiritual evolution.”

The techniques were never to be questioned, of course. If anything went wrong ever, it was our fault. Our doubts were only a sign of our “low prana.” He was so brilliant he even used knowledge in his favor: “there are three types of doubts: doubts in oneself, in the technique, in the master.” So that, if you ever doubted any of the three, you knew you were to be blamed for being negative. Solution: do more practices, do more seva, attend more advanced courses.

I finally gathered some courage and asked various senior teachers about the possibility of meditation having side effects. None of them, of course, had ever questioned this possibility. They made fun of my observations instead. Until one day I asked someone very close to Ravishankar. His right-hand man, teacher, long time TMer. He listened and said, “Never say I told you this, I will deny it if anyone ever questions me about it. Stop doing the Sudarshan Kriya immediately. Keep meditating if you want, but stop doing the breathing.” According to him, he had noticed the same in himself and other people. He claimed Kriya was not for everyone and the Guru did not understand these things.

Of course, I did not listen to him at that time. How could Sudarshan Kriya not be perfect? However, as my problems increased and I felt more “stupid”, I was surprised to hear one of his swamis give me the same instructions: “stop doing sudarshan kriya.”
In my years as a teacher, I noticed that, although every student felt more relaxed at the end of the course, not everyone felt good after a few months of practicing the techniques. Whenever we were approached with negative experiences regarding their practices, we were trained to tell them to keep on going, it was “unstressing.” If anyone in the course dared challenge us about the greatness of the technique, of course, we would kindly inform them it was their low prana that was not letting them see or experience the greatness of the technique. Whenever a student had some medical evidence that showed their health deteriorated after practicing the kriya, we were taught to understand they were doing something wrong, their problem was definitely not due to the technique but to their karma, the person was not worthy of the knowledge … “next life time.”

The first time I questioned the validity of the SK was when I took the “Science of breath”, the scientific research of the technique to a renown doctor, a researcher of one of the most respected research institutes of the world. After a few days, I met with him again, expecting to hear him impressed with our results, ready to incorporate us in their program immediately. To my surprise, he elegantly informed me the research papers were all incomplete and unprofessional. Conclusion: professionally, it said absolutely nothing and was not objective.

After seeing thousands of people go through the courses, I am still unable to decide whether the kriya relaxes people or idiotizes people. There is a very short distance between feeling relaxed and going stupid, as there is a very short distance between enlightenment and psychosis. Definitely, whether in a Part 1 or Part 2 course, the person slowly succumbs to whatever you say. Somehow, the mind shuts off, and even if you started with a questioning mind, you somehow zonk out, willing to agree with anything. We called that, “relaxation.”

I don’t doubt it has effects in the short term, but I am suspicious of its long term effects.

Today, this former A student suffers of dyslexia. I am unable to concentrate, remember anything, I turn numbers and letters around, I am unable to focus for long hours, I cannot read too much at once (as a kid I could read 7 books in a week!), I dissociate, I have sleeping disorders and other health complications.

Kriya did not relax me. It castrated me.

Mozart vs. Freud

I've heard Ravishankar state classical music is tamasic and brings one to a space of depression. How can such statement be made when one can go high simply listening to Chopin, Mozart, Bach? Is it not the impartial observation of someone who does not understand the classical western scales and, instead, prefers the Indian dissonant scales? When Nietzsche wrote, “Life without music is a mistake”, he did not state, “Life with western classical music is a mistake”! How can one judge a culture for being less "pranic" or more sattvic than another? Is that a genuinely objective spiritual possibility or just narrow-mindedness, prejudice, cultural bias?

Therapists are regarded as bad by the AoL, however, I have known a lot of people who, without the help of a professional, would be locked up or “gone”. Some people suffer of chemical imbalance, some cannot handle circumstances alone, whatever it is, certainly, noone likes to be depressed or suffer of any personality disorder. Those very few who do choose to be in these states, of course, they need professional help too. Those who do not know how to get out of this state, of course, they need help, not discrimination. With the notion therapy is bad, a lot of AoLers feel guilty when they have the need to seek for psychological care, or when they fall into depression. People who fell into any of the two categories were made fun of, especially behind doors by SSRS himself and teachers, or out-casted, if their secret was revealed.

I unfortunately have witnessed many of these occasions in amazement and embarrassment. However, my biggest surprise was when a devotee had a psychotic breakdown and was on the verge of suicide. Desperate, against my will, I dragged him to the psychiatrist. To my surprise, when I called SSRS and described the situation, he replied, “What did the therapist say? If he does not get better tomorrow, give him Prozac.” For heaven’s sake! Everyone knows Prozac is a controversial medication used to treat depression. We had a severe case of psychosis, not depression! That day, I dropped my imposed-aversion towards psychologists. The man, still feels embarrassed about his condition and his need of a psychologist, however, he has geared all his faith towards SSRS as his key to salvation. He hides his condition by feeling SSRS favours him, and as long as this happens, noone in the AoL, will push him away or question his condition, although it is commonly said, “He is nuts, but he must have something, the Guru likes him.”

After all, it is all about being friends with the right people, though, everyone knows there is something wrong with him. Noone understands the attention SSRS gives him. Maybe because he is a pretty boy, or because his family is influential, or simply because he is, as diagnosed by SSRS, “bipolar, multiple personality, psychotic.” As Ravishankar always declared, “The nuttier the better.” Professionals urge the boy’s family to medicate him for the rest of his life. SSRS encourages him to become an AoL teacher instead!

Many cultures that once discriminated therapy are now more open and accepting of the fact some people need therapy, and even medication. There is nothing wrong with either of the two. Following SSRS's thinking, if one needs a doctor for the body, a guru for the spirit, then why should one not seek a therapist for ones psyche when it is needed?

I suspect SSRS is against the Freudian school of psychology, which has been replaced widely by cognitive therapy, counseling, etc. One cannot deny the AoL advanced courses, including TTC, are full of "cheap therapy.” There is nothing more harmful and dangerous than an untrained person performing psychological games and “counseling” others who are in a vulnerable state, especially when those “senior teachers” are unresolved nut cases themselves!

In my opinion, making therapy evil is a judgment made by SSRS based on his cultural bias and limited vision about the current world and academia. Or maybe he is afraid any therapist would be able to figure out the mechanisms of manipulation and brain washing performed in the movement, or how imbalanced the devotees are! After all, a devotee should not have a mind of its own! That would not be a sign of surrender.

(I was told Argentina is known as "the Freudian city of the world". I wonder then, what is his opinion about Argentines?).

I was recently informed by the head of the psychology department of his country of the overall worry among their professional community about the large number of patients-AoL members they are receiving, profoundly damaged psychologically, many, already in need of medication. I have heard of many doctors and psychologists diagnose some AoL teachers with some psychotic disorder, followed by the rhetorical question: “The Guru does not know?”

But, what do they know! They are only psychologists and doctors!

In AoL, when someone “flips out”, it is said they are having a “spiritual experience” or need to “get grounded”, followed by instructions such as, “eat potatoes, eat bananas, walk barefoot, do yoga, don’t eat white flour.” I know of someone who, years later, still walks, walks, walks, walks … It is either that, or go nut, but never ever seek for professional care: “Doctors don’t understand spiritual evolution. We are sensitive people. We meditate, the body processes differently.”

And then, of course, there are sad cases of people ending up in a psychiatric ward. Noone talks about it. Noone ever talks to those people again. Of course, it was their karma and the guru did everything he could to save them from it.

You won't die if you leave

In my beginning days with Ravishankar, he often called me into his room – just him and me – to tell me terrible stories of people who dropped out of the movement. Some woman got cancer and died. He had to send his devotees to visit her. “Poor woman, if she would have stayed with me …” Another committed suicide. Such stories were endless, and told not only to me, but many others, who in turn, would tell their students. Leaving the path was a confirmed disgrace with stories of people we had never met or questioned.

When an active volunteer left, Ravishankar declared he would never again, in any life time, have the chance to be in a spiritual path. He had lost his chance for spiritual evolution and was forever doomed to misery. He warned us all about it and were advised not to contact him. The truth was he left to follow another spiritual master and years later, when I finally had the courage to contact him, I was surprised to meet a positively changed, happy person! Another teacher who left, according to RS, would eternally be doomed to failure and unhappiness, had also managed to be successful in his job and led a very happy life.

Ravishankar never takes responsibility for wrong doings. If someone leaves it is because they became delusional, negative, or someone else influenced them. I have even heard him blame people for influencing someone’s decision to leave, when in fact, there was no truth in it. I have even heard him blame the stars! “Old timers will be leaving because of the position of the stars.” It is funny. The man who teaches about responsibility, does not take any. It never occurs to him he may have done something wrong, or that his organization is not perfect. It is always someone else’s fault.

It took me many years to finally leave. I was basically trapped by the idea that dropping out of the path was the most terrible thing that could happen to a human being, as, being in a path was a privilege “only for a few”, as he often described. Sadly, I dare say a lot of teachers want to leave. In fact, in our private conversations, many would confess their unhappiness and wish to leave, but 1) some feared the world. At least within the movement they received help, had a community, were somebody; 2) some worried they would not find a job or know what to do to keep them going in life. Unfortunately, many live in terrible conditions even within the organization, begging most of the time for the basics.

I myself also thought I would die if I left. You find yourself in a highly neurotic situation, suffering if you linger and dying if you leave, unable to make a definite decision.

Leaving was painful, but dealing and justifying the incoherences, manipulations and constant abuses was worse. To my surprise, I discovered not only is there life after the Art of Living, but it is a lot better!

The "drop-outs"

The few who have left question the many contradictions. I wonder though, how come those few who left many years ago have not raised the same issues? Or did they but were kept away from us? But then, most of those who left were with TM prior to AoL. The new batch of “deserters”, like myself, are brand new collected souls, who mostly were in the late teens or 20s when joining the group. I wonder if that is where the difference lies. Ex-TMers left one cult to join another cult. They still sought for salvation in a greater image. Even today, they quote Maharishi, they still think they need to meditate if they want to look brighter than the average person, some still carry a back-pack full of concepts that has not given them any freedom to be in the world nor feel part of it, they still justify SSRS’s actions with arguments that include words such as, “karma, greater good”. Ultimately, they do not agree with many things, they know, but, they still believe, whether as defense mechanism, or genuine opinion. I do not doubt there is some degree of truth in their many habits and concepts, however, I do question their lack of ability to be part of the world, of valuing themselves, despite all the practices and knowledge received. They are still in the “us/ they” structure.

Once in a while they still tell you: “It was for your growth.” In fact, I was told everything was for my growth. Lying about me, exploiting me, abusing me, was for my growth, and He did nothing wrong because I accepted it. I was told the fact I did not accept the abuses anymore was an indication of my weak faith (Please read this last phrase with the background music of the Twilight Zone).

My beginning, our beginning

I met Sri Sri Ravishankar in the early 90s. I did not think much about him then. He seemed an ordinary small size Indian man dressed in white, with simple answers which often mocked the questions made by the public, giggled more than lectured - nothing really outstanding. I remember being more captivated by the eccentricity of his followers. Some seemed to float around, as if they were high on some peace and love pill, throwing flowers in the corridors, singing, dancing as they greeted us, brain dead, brainless, handing brochures, speaking to us about the wonders of this man they were following since God knows how long. The whole event was lame, small, uneventful, boring. I left suspicious, dull, cheated. How did I, a year later, got sucked into the organization, I still wonder. I had received very high education, considered myself intelligent and skeptical. But I do know that when he, Ravishankar, wants to lure a newcomer with potential (either because of the capacities the person presents or his/her contacts or he/she has money), he is the perfection of Don Casanova.

I went from disliking everything about him to being passionately in love with him. I found every stupid word he uttered, wise, deep, even funny. To my surprise, I can watch the very same talks today and find them shallow and repetitive. Actually, he never says anything new nor mind-blowing. I’d name it, “Variations on a Theme of Ravishankar” (without any doubt Rachmaninoff had a lot more creativity, depth, genius, confirmed by his numerous master pieces).

There was something about the way he spoke – slow, well paced -, the way he gazed – hypnotic … I cannot decide yet if his talks hypnotized us or made us stupid. Like I cannot decide either whether his famous Sudarshan Kriya, and other techniques, relaxed us or killed our brain cells. Somehow, as the years went by, I remember perceiving myself more stupid.

There are many things I have not yet found answers. However, there is one thing I am certain of: the art of living happens without the Art of Living. Leaving the Art of Living becomes an art itself.

Looking back, I see my years of involvement with the organization as a pause in my life. Everything that happened revolved around the ambitions of Ravishankar and his family. And there was only one clear ambition: fame, power, wealth, numbers. He wants to be the biggest, the greatest, the best … We all worked for free for him, in the name of “seva”, in the name of “spiritual growth”, in the name of “becoming stronger”, in the name of “burning karmas.”

I stopped being myself, I stopped living life, I stopped being happy by faking joy and teaching the means to reach it, I became stressed teaching how to be stress-free. Of course, you may think it is all my responsibility, or that I was unfit for the organization or the role as a volunteer teacher. I definitely am responsible, but for having bought a fraud and stayed for so long. I am responsible for being gullible, innocent, idealistic, insecure. I am responsible for not loving myself and not knowing how and when to draw the line. Unfortunately, it was not just me who suffered of the same stress, unhappiness, psychological dissonance, illnesses.

I have met many senior teachers who are unstable psychologically, psychotic, etc. I have met hystrionics, narcissists, border-lines, psychotics, sociopaths, obsessive compulsive, hypochondriacs, paranoids, immature people claiming to have the absolute truth and the key to salvation and enlightenment.

Being in a so-called spiritual path has given me a lot of pain, robbed my innocence, living my life, being myself. It has taught me invaluable lessons, woke me up to the fact there is a lot of evil in the world and that, regardless, it is beautiful as it is. At the end of the day, Ravishankar did not teach me absolutely anything. The lessons were provided by life itself only because I decided to turn every experience into a lesson.

Today, if someone asked me what I learned in the spiritual path, I’d reply, “I learned everything one must never do in life, and I learned what kind of a human being I never want to be.”