The blog: what, why, how, when

To be honest, I was caught by surprise when I learned Guruphiliac had quoted Confessions of a Guraholic, and then, even more surprised when I started to see the response coming in. I must confess I was overwhelmed and then paralyzed by fear realizing it had become public. I was instantly afraid of SSRS, knowing what he and company are capable of. I did not expect the blog would ever be caught by the public eye. In fact, I did not even think anyone would find it interesting or helpful. It was a personal exercise I owed to myself.

During my recovery process (which was excruciatingly long), writing helped a lot to organize my thoughts, ideas. It helped me see the events from a distance, understand, discriminate, evaluate, look inside, look outside, and mainly, demystify. Somehow, it was like speaking out a secret, and by doing so, removing the weight that it carried. There were so many things we were not allowed to speak or share, specially, as teachers.

When it was evident I could no longer stay in the movement, I thought I’d die, but then, staying was also death! I was cursed and threatened by the man I bowed down to, trusted, dedicated many years of my life and talents to. My last conversation with him created such deep damages in me it took several years before I could move around as a normal human being. In a world where whatever the Guru says is holy, even when you know he is not real, his words harm you in ways you cannot imagine. I spent most of my waking hours visiting doctors, going to treatments, feeling broken, at night hardly sleeping, falling asleep and waking up with traumatic flashbacks. I was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder, the ultimate joke.

And then, I was alone. Everyone I knew disappeared. Those who claimed to be my friends, my siblings, my family did not even send a “how are you” note. In fact, I was left without any money, home, help, and those devotees who saw through what I went through and knew it was wrong, were afraid of helping in fear of retaliation of the group, and worse, the Guru’s reaction.

The disappointment, the pain, the suffering … it was agonizing. Trying to reinvent my life when I had given my best to HIM, and then, going through the shame of recognizing my mistake: the big mistake of considering a sect SALVATION, a conman God, of giving my power to someone else, and even worse, of having brought so many thousands of people into this path of deceit. How was I to explain to all those students who trusted me and were now devotees who kiss his feet? The very same ones who turned their backs on me and even betrayed me? As the saying goes, “what does not kill you makes you strong.” It took a long time before I could slowly move in the world again.

When I passed the phase of anger, I allowed myself to read everything we were told not to. For ex. what ex devotees of other movements have to say, about sects, about mantras, etc. I recognized my stories and symptoms in those stories, and in the information, I started unveiling all the lies SSRS spreads with the help of the AoL armada. I was able to laugh out loud to all the BS I had bought and spread. I was guilty of my own naivete and stupidity! And also understood why he dissuaded us from reading!

Bottom line, I wrote wrote wrote wrote wrote and then one day I asked myself, “what will I do with all these texts?” Thus, came the decision of organizing them in a blog which I did not intent to share. Little did I imagine the role it’d play for many people! I always wondered why no ex AoLer had done something like that yet. Speaking with some colleagues, we shared fear and shame. Noone wanted to get their names “dirty”, it was already hard trying to reinsert in the world and find a job and new friends. Then there was fear of the group and the guru. For those of us who have been in the inner circles, we unfortunately know what they are capable of! The other half worked hard to keep their dissonance going as a way of survival (to recognize all the lies we went through is too much to swallow all at once, specially when you were so devoted!). All of this, in my opinion, says a lot about SSRS and the damages he does to people with his AoL.

Everything expressed are my experiences, my opinions. Opinions are subjective yet my experiences are what they are - first hand lived by an active member of the AoL who had access to a lot more than what SSRS probably wishes (and maybe that is why at the end he tried to buy my silence, though never paid because I did not accept his terms).

I am surprised to see the number of people writing with the same views, experiences, and contributing even more details and stories! Specially, the number of Indians! We were told AoL was the most respected thing in India! Till a few days ago, I thought I was the one “loser” who left and was not able to see his “light”, or endure the “test.” It would have been great to access information like this while I was in the AoL (if I had the guts to read it, of course). I wish many of my students found out about this blog, maybe doubt everything in it, but at least, that it makes noise in the back of their heads so that when shit starts kicking they understand SSRS is not God, he is not the person he claims to be and he is not helping the world, as he insists.

I still feel the need to protect my identity, many details, my life, for my safety and many of those involved. I have received threats and have been harassed even recently. I have learned first and foremost is my life, my peace, my health, my equanimity. People are free to agree or disagree. What matters is, I am healing, I am healed, and finally finding so much peace and joy within my self, my true self, not the one SSRS brain-washed me to adopt. “WHO ARE YOU” is the one piece of knowledge I took from the AoL and that I have been able to reveal to myself, after deleting all the Guru files. I gave myself this lesson, HE did not do or give me anything, nor cared, as some people would insist, “Oh, he did all the nasty so that you could have this epiphany.”

I do not intent to use this blog to accuse, but instead, to heal, to understand what I went through, to forgive, find peace. Through learning, understanding, questioning, we grow. Noone should ever be abused, not even in the name of knowledge and even less, of enlightenment and spiritual freedom! Spiritual search is a very noble need that should not be vulgarized nor raped.

On this note, if you have experiences to share, you can send your stories to klim1008@gmail.com. Writing helps and what you have to say helps us all.

A humble thank you.